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Monday, December 28, 2009

Sunlight and Fresh Air

The sun breaks through the window. It does not shine on me but just to my right. It makes an ordinary chair in an otherwise ordinary kitchen shine with a luster of a beautiful, lazy day. Outside, an inch of snow sits on the ground. It gives the sun's rays a bit more brightness.

Steady ... steady ... I must hold this course steady no matter the outcome. Though it may finally be destructive. I cannot escape my heart and spirit.

A young woman called me a few nights ago. In more or less words, she asked me to stay away from the Pacific Northwest. It was pretty ugly. 2:00am. I was happy when I picked up the phone and bewildered the next. Earlier she said she had another with whom she was sleeping ... said she loved me and this other was just something physical. I wanted to rationalize it, to believe in it. In any case I could not. Maybe that's why it failed ... for all of her shallow words, she knew the truth. Her mind imprisons her as much as anyone else in this world. Even my mind imprisons me with my thoughts, standards, dreams and fears.



As soon as I find a sublessor, I will be back steady on my course. I have no time to be a prisoner of my own mind.

Let truth and reality reign.

Today I live in sunshine and fresh air.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

I am I

Sometimes I wish I didn't have so much emotion ... such ferocity! In our culture, it is good to have complete control of one's emotions. Yet, my emotions are too much!

So you call me weak?!

That I am not.

My emotions are unbridled. They are the heart of my intelligence, my love, my anger ... my physical and emotional body. My heart after all the pain is but a ragged dagger. It has tasted the beautify of life and has seen its fragility. I ask you, if you love life why not embrace it? What do we have to lose, but life? If we do not risk a little now, it will be a slow drag to death's embrace.

No! That is no life for me.

I would like to glide into into death's embrace.

I need hard work. I need to ask for as much out of this existence as I can. Fear has no place in my heart. It hinders me. It hinders my true nature.

Tonight, I read a book that tells of why it is good to produce. While I do not believe it should come at any cost, I do feel the need to produce something tangible and needed. I also feel the need to pursue my own self interest. Tonight, I make a pact with myself. One I will not break, not for anything ...

In February, I shall leave the Midwest. It offers me nothing. It is not my home. It only brings me boredom. I will not come back. These emotions within me are strong. I won't give up on them. Existence is too short. This life will not come without planning and hard work.

"You must earn it. True greatness comes not by favoritism, but by fitness. And the right hand and the left are not mine to give, they belong to those who are prepared." - One who saw truth.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

F*$#

Fuck it.

I'm moving out West. Will it work? Who cares!

Why do people let me down? Who knows? This is existence.

Probably not the smartest way, but just going to go ... Where?

Ha! Like I even know ...

It's just me now.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Ara Batur

Vid spilum endalaust

Before I take a single drink tonight, I must tell myself a few things. One, I need stability. I need people around who won't flake out on me. I need to build faith in people. It is not enough to have faith in myself. I need to gain a sound base of at least $2,000 that I will always keep in savings for any given mishap just for the peace of mind that comes with knowing things could go wrong. I preferably would like to build up more wealth. Everything is driven by wealth.

I have a weakness in that I am sensitive, and I do care a lot about others. I empathize with people and their situations. I have always felt a need to do good in this world. I must understand this is a weakness. I don't feel like it is, but it means I am easily manipulated by others. I have to work for little to nothing when I have no form of a safety net. My knowledge in economics tells me all of the benefits I forgo by thinking in this manner. My mind does not focus as it must. Women are also a problem. Women see me as weak. I am accused of not having a great plan. I stress as my decisions seem so crucial from time to time, and I lose my humor and strong mind. My problems bring others stress.

I know I am strong. But I shouldn't push it so far. I've tried my whole life to push it more and more. Nothing is enough. Yet, now I know that I am alone. I must think of only myself. This is what my life must be. I must think of nothing else. I must change.

The world is a cruel place. It can be beautiful as well. I will not admit I lost. Never! Yet ... everything is changing. I must not think too much, not tonight. Not any night.

Monday, December 14, 2009

To see the waves breaking on the shore ...

My eye lids raise instantly. And I'm staring at his smile set against yellow and red lions. Who are you, Mr. Marley? And why do your words give me strength only on summer days?

I don't want a sure thing ... but DAMN! Come on... Is my life really going to just disintegrate once I get out West again?

And it is fear that is causing all of this ... The ugly bastard doth raise it's head and cry out to me, "Even if you do not heed me, I shall make another." That is when the tyrant grips me. She called last night to say she was annoyed by my love. She was scared of me, scared of this situation, maybe she didn't even want me to come. She rescinded. I didn't expect it, not after her being so resolute last time. Not after I had confirmed and asked her not to "flake out on me." But she did, and I understood her fear.

Then we spoke. She cried. I cried. She wanted me to talk her down. So I did. She told me again that she wanted me to come out. We spoke in confidences, and I let her back in. She said she wouldn't back down this time. I hope not, but still wonder how crazy all of this really is.

So I am scared of what is to come. Friends say that I am being foolish. Maybe I am. But I have sense to know when something is worth trying.

Except this time, I won't come back. I'd rather die trying this time. For the road may be crazy. I will face fear head on. I may fail, but I will not collapse. There's no chance I'm coming back. If I fail, I'll just sink into that abyss until I can start digging myself out. For the Western air is always sweeter, and this Midwestern lifestyle does not suit me.

So what's the story, Bob? Why don't you work so well on winter days?

Friday, December 11, 2009

Changes

In this modern age, very little remains that is real. Night has been banished, so have the cold, the wind and the stars. They have all been neutralized: the rhythm of life itself is obscured. Everything goes so fast and makes so much noise, and men hurry by without heeding the grass by the roadside, its colour, its smell and the way it shimmers when the wind caresses it. What a strange encounter then is that between man and the high places of his planet! Up there he is surrounded by the silence of forgetfulness. If there is a slope of snow steep as a glass window, he climbs it, leaving behind him a strange trail. If there is a rock perfect as an obelisk, he defies gravity and proves that he can get up anywhere. - Starlight and Storm by Gaston R├ębuffat


Because here in the depths of seeing so much destruction, we may lose ourselves. Let us be not who society wants us to be, but people with the talents and gifts passed down from one generation to the next.

Behind these eyes, I possess great talent. Only fear will stop me from going further. But as my brother would say, "We're only here for a moment. Then we die. No one gets out alive."

So really, what's there to fear. We all die. Why not push it a bit? Live a bit more free. For once, I am being selfish. I am going to grab the things most important to me - no matter the cost. I am going to hold her again. I am going to make some money. I am going to gain a sound foundation by any means necessary. I have been on the brink of survival for too long. I will use my brain for my own means. Then, I shall help others. Once I have gained a foothold.

Let me be bound by my own existence. Not others' shallow perception of it. I will live life by my rules. I shall be only bound by my imagination.





Sunday, November 29, 2009

Ace in the Hole

"OK. You're next Brian. Campfire, five minutes," he said.

An aged man, nearly 50 - white hair, round face, beer belly - squeezed his palm around the bottle. The cap fell to the ground. Tonight, he said to himself, I'm going to save that boy. I'm going to bring him back from the brink. His mother robbed him from a life with his family. Damn ... She's crazy, he thought. As he walked out the side door of the cabin, he saw the boy next to the fire.

"You bring a beer out here for me?" the boy said as the man drew near the fire.

"Hell, boy, give me a second," the man said.

He trudged inside, down the steps to the downstairs fridge.

What in the hell would this boy like? Corona! Of course, he would. Who wouldn't like to be reminded of the beach on a night like this?

His eyes fell on the bottle opener as he reached for the door. Hell. I could do better than that.

He peeled the door back. His eyes fell on the boy. That kid must be so damn lonely. Damn boy is just like me. I can see so much of myself in him.

He handed the beer to the boy.

"You got a bottle opener?" the boy asked.

"Yeah, give it here." The man walked over to his truck and used the metallic clip on the end of the seat belt to open the beer.

"Wow. Pretty impressive," the boy said.

"Yeah. Now what is it that you wanted to talk about?"

"Oh. It was nothing. Rather just have the beer now."

"I really appreciate what you did back there, boy," the man said. "You had a lot of balls coming up to me like that. I'm the man who takes people down that gravel road. No one takes Acen down that gravel road.

"And, boy, you wanted to take me down that gravel road. That took a lot. You're a real cool kid," he said.

"We all need to take the walk sometimes," the boy said.

The boy stared into the fire. He could hear the old man talking again. His mind trailed off into the flames. What did his daughter ask me? She wanted advice about a similar situation. But, I couldn't get a word in edgewise. What a jackass! Talking to his daughter like that. What the fuck am I doing here?

"Let me tell you a story about your brother," the old man started. "You're brother is a badass. One time, I said, 'Show me how you kill someone. I want to feel that.' Your brother said he couldn't do it. But I got on him and a few beers later, he put me to the ground. And as the lights began fading, he let go."

"There's nothing but loneliness in this world. No matter what beautiful woman you put at your side. Either you or she is going to die first." The old man went on, "And before that, no matter who's with us, there's loneliness."

"We all die alone," the boy agreed.

The man told the boy that he was in the business of saving people. He, at one time, had taken every one down that gravel path. He said, he would soon take the boy.

"I saved your brother, you know," the man said.

"I know," the boy said. "I'm thankful for that."

"Hell, boy. I'll save you too," he said.

His daughter sat there crying after he butted into our conversation, the boy thought. She just wanted my opinion. He made it into a joke then feigned emotion as she cried running into the house. "Stay away from me," she yelled. "You're nothing but a drunk."

The next words fell like an avalanche.

"I don't need saving," the boy said.

The boy rubbed his hands against the side of the beer catching the sweat from the glass. He looked up into the moon. It lit up a few wispy clouds. Otherwise, all the world was stars. Damn, such beauty.

"Damn, you're a smart boy," the man said.

"Huh? Well I don't know about that."

"No. You are. You're a damn smart boy."

Be careful, the boy thought. I'll only pity you more for what you say next.













Sunday, November 15, 2009

Perspective

I really do not want to walk away from this position. It's taken me so long to get to this point.

And now as I pull away, my finances in disarray, I cower in inaction afraid of a pattern developing. On one hand, I fear that this fear will persuade me to become like so many others, only striving to make that next dollar, no matter the destruction or exploitation I may cause. On the other, I fear that I will never make decisions, never make money, never make anything out of myself and will fall into a solid state of failure. I have seen so many people who fit into this category during my travels. I have no desire for this to be my life.

I know I am very, very low on hope right now. I need some encouragement. I need a boost. This is why I've decided to move in with my brother. I have no other place to go, but I need someone who gets me. Someone who understands where this drive comes from. It isn't something that I have manifested. It is something forever constant buried within my soul. It is a driving force that compels me to do more, live life fuller, to learn more, to dive deeper into any and all situations. This force goes wild at the emptiness of boredom or shallow thoughts and feelings. I've had it ever since I can remember.

This is the first time I've ever written such a telling post on here. But these are tough times. I spent a few hours in the office, trying to catch up on work. I organized my desk, sent some files, reviewed the lack of evidence in one of my cases, so frustrating! And yet the guy who came before me is praised, but he really did let a lot go. I guess it's all in show.

I hope everything works out. The future is so bewildering to even ponder now.

A run may not save me this time.

I have come to not like myself. I am inactive as of late. I am overwhelmed and unhappy.

I am a failure.

This world is so flawed. Yet that is no excuse for my unhappiness.

Where did my energy go?! Where is my inspiration?! As tears streak down my cheeks dropping into the keyboard, it serves as a sweet release from all this hidden pain. I thought I could do it all on my own.

What happened to me?! I cannot feel any longing, any desperation, anything at all? I just feel fear. I wanted to finish this! Is this how life will always be?!

If hope is the single greatest commodity given to mankind, then what shall I do as the last ounce dribbles from my soul?

The walls of my life are crumbling.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Turbulent days

One cannot base his future on luck.

I have been a bit complacent as of late. Dragging my feet if you will. Yet I know my pace. I want it back!

I have to be systematic and deliberate in my actions. I, however, feel the pace returning. I am running longer, devoid of caffeine. And I find myself generally a bit goofier than I have been in a very long time.

It is as if I am saying hello to an old friend whom I have missed - my true self.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

I exist.




"I don't care to succeed if I cannot be myself! How dare I shackle myself to my own ambitions, and care so much of how others look at me!" I shouted.



Tonight, I'm tired. I spent some time talking to this girl on the phone last night. We used to really care about each other. Yet now it is just one of those things. One of those situations where no one is sure where he/she stands. One day, she has the lowest opinion of me, not sorry for anything that happened. At these times, she lets me know how low I am. And at others, she tells me how important I am to her, how cherished of a friend I am, how she needs to talk to me. It's all very confusing.

Yet it doesn't matter. I'm caught in the act of just existing. Life is just a reason to feel, to breathe, to be. I'm tired of wishing it could have all been different.

I just want to live.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Why lie to myself?

I fear I have fallen into an escapist attitude. The night with the girl was nothing more than a distraction against all of the problems in my life.

Yes. Poverty is a bitch. Nevertheless, I must act swiftly for I fear I shall fall into the same pattern as the people I help. The first step is realization. The second shall be action.

Today I reclaim myself. No more lies. No more distractions. Nothing that takes me a step away from the reality of my situation. I shall write a more poetic prose or love the girl when my soul can bear the pressure.

I must be strong and cold.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

I met you in afternoon air sitting by the cafe.

I sat underneath the brambles with you, softly touching your neck while I grazed my lips to yours. And while I held you in your long skirt, I slid my hand softly against your smooth flesh and lost myself in your dark beauty. Unknowing of how the days following will go, I was forced to think of the situation as one day, one moment without chance of another. The moment, therefore, was a great deal more.

I went to the party shivering in my wet clothes. The pond felt warm in the moment. Afterward, the night air robbed me of my energy forcing me into a shiver.

And I think this could be great.

Nevertheless, I am sadly realistic.

Today I go on a run and try to force on my mind a Zen image of the moment. One time. One instance. One second followed by another. This way it will be beautiful even when we find our true paths.

This is a crazy world for a hopeless romantic fool such as I.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The product of Sitara's meat loaf.

Last night, with a garlic-onion-basil-all spice-sausage-beef flavored concoction in my stomach, I dreamt of one who would run after me.

The dream so vivid, I awoke infatuated with the thought. Yet I could not recall the face. She believed in something and in me. And that we could face the world with a ferocity of never backing down, of simple pleasures and poetic souls.

And I awoke. Sufjan played on the radio.

~ I sat by a little stream last evening. The night was filled with bull frogs ribbits and locust grrks. I studied for the test that would not define me. And it was a fine reason to pull myself away from all this.

Though ...

I am glad I could truly escape in one dream of what the world could be again.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Discipline

Self-Discipline.

A not old, but mostly forgotten concept in my life.

The wonders of my mind materialize in an active motion. My room, tidier. My body, fitter. My mind, sharper.

I need it right now. A big test looms. It sits before me on the horizon as any challenge might. It is a daunting example many before me have faced on a less dramatic level.

But what else do I have?

I am living in poverty with so many ambitions, so many ideals. I have given up romances, friendships, aesthetics and my home for this passion.

Because! People are people. And no one should suffer in this system! Everyone has a right to feel hopeful and alive. So I must read and cultivate myself until I can actually help those people. I hope I do not sell out and give my soul to some mission to hoard resources and money. I hope my children know what it is to live life for the smallest things, never cowering behind a dogma.

And for this, I must have discipline.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Nothing ever proven.

Life is a constant state of flux.

So are people.

Yet, I believe for all the random, crazy encounters for which I yearn ... I dream of a constant. Amy once said she couldn't be with me because I was like a wild horse, just running free. I don't know if that's true. The more people I meet, the more I think we are all the same. Yet some of us are afraid.

Fear can be a puzzling thing, and I have found myself more and more wrapped up in it since I graduated college. I have waited for this trial-by-fire, but I have come to think it may be this whole time period: the misspent time with love, financial hardship, family problems, physical problems and even work-related issues verging on craziness. It has been a time away from the arena I call home, and a period of my life away from what I really want to do.

So much that at times I have felt mighty lost.

So I find myself running every morning ... running towards something ... towards what?!

I don't know.

Just the unknown, I guess.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Desperation

What burden! What drain! are the stresses of poverty. Three days until my birthday, and I watch as people once close drift further and further away. I am alienating myself and becoming a person none would like to befriend.

So here I am, in my office, three days before my birthday. My mind is flooded with problems. And yet I know everything else is slowly falling away. Is this the path of law? Is this how the rest of my life will go if I pursue this field? I am perplexed and unsatisfied.

Somehow I will watch it all crumble as a spectator. I will watch and think, what a beautiful life this is that has come to ruin.

I remember when I would take off my shoes and walk through a field only thinking of how I might create some prose to describe the moment and scene. I remember long horseback rides, and all the simplicities and dreams of life that burned within. I remember not being so caught up and so fixated and so bumbling. I remember the confidence of climbing, the confidence of the classroom. I remember the days when I felt I wouldn't have to beg forever.


This is my penalty for a life too examined, a life with not enough action.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

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Abandon city nights.

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Life can be as beautiful as one makes it!
This is why I try to surround myself with an aesthetic beauty that will help characterize my soul. These mountains were the energy of my youth. But for now, I must find my strength in the words of Camus who in the midst of winter, found within his soul an eternal summer.
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Friday, August 14, 2009

A rant on socio-economic America!

It is with menacing messages that most letters reach my inbox nowadays. Whether it comes from ex-lovers, educational loans, missing car payments and/or the occasional lost promise turned obligation, it is the same.

Yet, I must sort through all of this. This is not for me. It is something within which I am contained. It is a product of a system that pushes some people down. It forces the population to work and work and never really understand why ... Why? For more stuff and less time with family. As we watch our families grow distant, as we work harder for respected positions in our society we let those loved ones who take up too much time go? Why?

The working class knows something is wrong. I believe they can feel it. I hear about it a lot when I am here around my family, but they feel powerless. There are anchored systems founded by the social elite. When a woman - who has reached a high level of understanding of a problem- reaches the podium, a little message streaks across the screen telling exactly how much people should listen. If it says a certain institution or a certain title, people listen. If it says something else, well we turn off. She is not for making decisions we say ...

I would like to see a policy maker with no Ivy League background, but a solid background in a field and a solid understanding of the people. Maybe there are people out there, but it seems like so many problems are ignored at the cost of fame or glory of holding office. This is just turning so ridiculous. So many people have great ideas out there, and we give our representation to people who have difficulty understanding even the simplest of these changes. It is time for new leadership and a change. It is not time for a President (no matter how great his speech may be) to sit idly by making promises and compromises. It is time for a leader to walk down the hard road America needs.

Nothing better.

Bryant, me, Thaddeus, Danielle, and Ted (also not shown here is Eric who is underneath Thaddeus and me.) haha.
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Saturday, June 13, 2009

the silence

In such an individualistic society and with little money, I have grown to be very passive.

Why should I complain? I catch myself saying, I am lucky to be alive. But by lowering myself with these passive gestures, I let myself fall prey to the insecurities and selfish needs of others. Time and time again, I find myself victim of these same circumstances. Each time I vow it will never happen again. But here I am a victim to insults, a casualty to others fingers rifling through my belongings and an unwelcome guest in my own residence.

I cannot complain about too much right now. I somewhat fear this may spiral into a homeless situation. If so, I fear I will not be able to fulfill my VISTA contract. I am also curious about the logistics of my staying here in Chicago. I wish the government could know what it is like to be uber poor and no place to go after a year of service.


This will be a fine day. I am sure it will. The weather is perfect. I am seeing a beautiful woman tonight. All the world is an adventure and I really do not need much to have a good time.

Yet would it not be grand to end this viscous cyle once and for all.

Saturday, June 06, 2009

Ambrosia Hookah bar BYOB



<-- Eric, Stef and I at Hookah Bar.

I took some legal courses with Stef. She is going to make a fine attorney some day.

A little time in Chicago.

My hand tightens as does hers. Together we walk past a danger that isn't really a danger in a world to which I have never truly been exposed. And I notice that I am walking with someone who will go against the dangers to greet and meet this world. She will invite me to challenge my schemas. Already, she is winning.


Those were my thoughts Thursday night as we walked.


In this city, my paths are paved in concrete, but trees are abundant. And I can still smell the sweet taste of soil after a rain. I still feel lonely when I watch the sun set behind buildings instead of on the horizon. I feel pain when I notice no one looks up into passing eyes as people pass on the sidewalk. However, I find myself smiling when I see the children dancing in the park on my way home. And I love bicycling through the city.


So I am mixed about this city. I know what I am missing. Yet I know what I gain.


If there were nearby climbing, I think I could stay a lifetime. As for right now, I am looking to stay just a little while.


I will some day find my road out West, maybe just another day.





Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Hawai'i

10 hours from Chicago to Honolulu.

Walking to the airport, walking away from an attitude of apathy and fakeness.

I met many awesome people while in Jacksonville, but it came too little, too late. I became tired of the can't do attitude of my supervisor and lack of committment to the some very worthwhile programs, the once-girlfriend who cheated on me with some pretty boy with an arrogant attitude and fake smile and an environment more inducive to cars and televisions than society and activity.

I walked from rural America to an airport, landed in a tropical paradise where I spent time with my brother, sea kayaked, rock climbed, swam in the ocean and snorkeled ... then settled in Chicago where I've already been robbed.

I now ride my bike down busy streets, dodging cars and car doors. My budget has never been so dire and my outlook has never been more mysterious. But I am working with some great programs staffed by great people at a great school. I live with some righteous hippies who are well educated and easy going. My life is changing.

I couldn't think of a better starting point to flip my life on its head and turn it all around than Hawai'i.

All I need now are the climbers and climbing ... and a plan. But what the hell! I finally feel as if all will fall into place.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Even a puddle can be beautiful ... if it has enough salt ;-)


I traveled to southern Illinois this weekend with a friend. We camped near a raging waterfall during the first night.

The night hummed with the waterfall's constant roar. And in the void of the night a persistent drizzle aligned with a darkness in my soul. It questioned my very essence, my strength, my decisions. And as the darkness set in, I found no need to lie anymore. I could just say it and be secure and just


Let Go of Life.

I have found a place to stay in Chicago. They sound like my kind of people. I will never give up on the reasons I do things. I will not succumb to the naysayers or the politics of looking good while not doing much. That is not my way. I will succeed. I will attain the education I need, and the life I want.

I will empathize and will help people. I cannot let myself be scared by the insecurities that come with this life. I will relish them.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

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Rewaken


A slow consistent force slithered around my legs, up my torso and soon held me at my shoulders. I was too blind to see it and too numb to feel it. But it had me. It tensed, and I succumbed.

It came at my ankles as an injury forced me into sloth. It slithered around my legs as my vast attempts at friendship here were foiled. It gripped my chest as her friendship fled voiding our relationship. It tensed as I saw reality while in the serpent's grip.

I have conquered this beast as an oak awakens from a lazy winter, sleepy and slow but with the steady hope of a guaranteed summer. Push-ups have given me strength. Climbing has renewed my character. Books have helped to sharpen what has come a docile mind. My heart lay in tatters, a soft spongy mess strewn about the dirty floor.

I will leave Jacksonville in May and will arrive in Chicago. I have no delusions about Chicago or plans. I don't even have a place to stay. But that is the path I have chosen as I try this renaissance of my old self. These words are some of the first that have rung truly from me. With these words, I redefine my character, my self will ... my self discipline.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

TBD

A crimson piece of metallic wire twists and stretches in my hand. The bright and dark reflections of light shimmer from its smooth edges. They dance in my mind. I have guilty thoughts on this day.

I know what I must do. Yet, it is in these lulls of activity, my mind fires faster with longing. It re-creates feelings and memories. It lets go of past pain. It lets go of any obstacles I may have encountered. Instead, it focuses on the sweetness of it all. Bittersweet nostalgia.

I would rather not live my life like this ... always somewhere else. So I try to live here. In the time I've been here, I've gained three friends, lost one. I haven't been so secluded since my adolescent days. At least then, I had family.

This week, I try my hands at getting into the M.E.S. program at Evergreen State in Olympia, Wash. My admittance or denial will not afford me any luxury more than hope or despair.

If I had taken the West for granted, I hope I never will again.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The journey beyond what exactly ... ?

Here I am.
And I am moving forward.
To where?
Anywhere.
So long as I am moving.

Monday, January 05, 2009

Back from two weeks in WA

I remember being here in central Illinois for three months during college.

I would open my eyes in the morning. Lay there, eyes open, wonder what I was doing to myself ...
why would I put myself through this ...
was it worth it ...
had I failed ...
am I a failure ...
had I let my father down ...
why did I leave Florida ...

Sixty degree days gradual warming to seventy-five degree days.

I often found myself in the park, running. I ran nearly 10 miles a day then. I would run and run until I could barely walk, my legs were JELLO. I escaped into an idea of love, and felt dejected as she called to tell me of all the other men. She would tell me of how evil I was. Even if my legs were JELLO, I would soon find myself running again.

Somewhere in the back of my mind ... I have made this my experience of Illinois.

YET!

Why do we have new emotions, new thoughts, new brain cells (not one cell in my body is the same) if we must dwell and make the past our present. I am not nearly the same man. I have had so many crazy times since then!

I must finish this position into July, and I must make something out of it even if it means revamping my thought process, pretending I am in a tropical paradise or some golden future awaits me at the end.

I must cultivate my garden.

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Ambitiously enduring.