Monday, December 14, 2009

To see the waves breaking on the shore ...

My eye lids raise instantly. And I'm staring at his smile set against yellow and red lions. Who are you, Mr. Marley? And why do your words give me strength only on summer days?

I don't want a sure thing ... but DAMN! Come on... Is my life really going to just disintegrate once I get out West again?

And it is fear that is causing all of this ... The ugly bastard doth raise it's head and cry out to me, "Even if you do not heed me, I shall make another." That is when the tyrant grips me. She called last night to say she was annoyed by my love. She was scared of me, scared of this situation, maybe she didn't even want me to come. She rescinded. I didn't expect it, not after her being so resolute last time. Not after I had confirmed and asked her not to "flake out on me." But she did, and I understood her fear.

Then we spoke. She cried. I cried. She wanted me to talk her down. So I did. She told me again that she wanted me to come out. We spoke in confidences, and I let her back in. She said she wouldn't back down this time. I hope not, but still wonder how crazy all of this really is.

So I am scared of what is to come. Friends say that I am being foolish. Maybe I am. But I have sense to know when something is worth trying.

Except this time, I won't come back. I'd rather die trying this time. For the road may be crazy. I will face fear head on. I may fail, but I will not collapse. There's no chance I'm coming back. If I fail, I'll just sink into that abyss until I can start digging myself out. For the Western air is always sweeter, and this Midwestern lifestyle does not suit me.

So what's the story, Bob? Why don't you work so well on winter days?

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