the end.

Soon I will be in another state of mind. I will leave my friends, family and worries to get three papers done, get a peace corps application done and finish an application for this summer. Three papers stand in between a degree and me. I hate to be single minded but everything rides on this. I am afraid of what comes after, but I must finish this degree. I must move on.


I went out in the sun today and wrote in my newly bought journal. The warm sun on my skin felt comforting. I thought a lot and got so many of my feelings out on paper. My last journal never felt like it was mine. Bought by someone else, it did not ever feel as if it was me. Yeah, weird huh? But this new journal feels like me. - I can express myself again.


Here I sit. Ready to study. Ready to commit to that single purpose, to turn off my phone and to head into the digital world of online journals and books I've recently read on the subjects, only talking to sources I need for my paper.


Once I get done, I will think of other things.

The Virginia Incident is so depressing. So many had to die because a young, confused individual found no hope. He continuously dove back into destructive habits and lost sight of the true greatness of life.



I hate how people have to die. I hate it more that it happens every day. I wish I was around in that atmosphere. I wish I would have known Cho. I wish I could have befriended him and just told him to relax. I wish I could have gotten him a date with a random, weird girl. Life can be a pretty tragic thing, especially when you feel isolated from everyone.



I wish I could have given him some hope.



157 people died in Baghdad today.




I imagine many there have lost hope. I have no clue what they are going through. I could not even imagine such a destructive atmosphere. I would gladly give my life to end their suffering. My life will be devoted towards spreading hope.


I know exactly what it means to be saddened because I can only give one life to a cause. If I had a thousand lives, I would die a thousand horrible deaths if it meant some would not have to suffer.



I have a job interview on Friday. I pray I can start fighting the good fight with my entire soul. My degree is soon done. My life will be extreme. This is a war.



This is a war for hope.

Forgive me, world. I will not bend.



Something better does exist. Something fantastic! Something wonderful! I will tell everyone to wonder about life. No path is a dead end. Every path is another way to live a full, meaningful life.


If I were a bum, I would smile at the chance to know what is like not to have. It would make me appreciate everything.


If I were a millionaire, I'd be happy to have the ability to help others with my income. I'd also see the world and invest in a lifelong education.


If no love every lasts, I will be lucky to have loved and not backed down. It was well worth it.


The naysayers are bunk!

30 degree run.

I went on a run this morning. I could feel my hands after the first two miles.

In the second two miles, I had an epiphany.

Fear has nothing to do with any of this. Why should I fear something that feels so true?

To distrust this, I first must distrust myself.

It is not a step for which I am not ready.

I love her.

poem

Mystery …

Maybe I will enjoy the journey beyond,

To give my life a dark path

And travel with heart and spirit

Translucence fading not

Into a world, ever-changing

Not mellow nor imbalanced

Spiritually delivering

Mentally fatiguing

This is what I wish for my life.

The day I knelt down, willfully gave my hand

My heart leaped out knees buckling

under a liberated, fiery soul

Inner dreams splashed rich colors

Against a twirling, whirling mind

a deep breath kept me going.

A bold move into the night.

It is a scary thing to go from absolute uncertainty where every single part of my existence is wondering where my life might go ...



to discovering myself more and more confident, stumbling upon a story for the ages, creating vast lines of poetry without delusion, loving myself more and more and stepping precariously




on the skirts of a cliff line where no imaginable bottom may be.





With a solid heart, I surge forward not accepting the limitations society places on me. I will never succumb. I will forever hold my head high.



And even if I should take that fall, which I am sure is a possibility, I will forever live in weightlessness as I plunge deeper into my own abyss.