Thursday, December 24, 2015

In Boise, I am far from the things I need.

"Golden light flickers at the edge of the room. It gathers a warm glow against her red hoodie as her hazel eyes glimmer, set deep against the pages of an old book. She smirks, lifts her eyes to mine. We find each other. We dance with a shared smile."

I wrote these words in the absence of anyone. I am constantly in these long distance relationships. My friendships are far from me. My family is mostly fairweather.

I sit here on Christmas Eve. I was told my funding for my job will mostly dry up starting next year. I was also told by an environmental organization that I was overqualified for a job I applied for.

I am an outsider in everything right now. I am no climber. I am no close friend. I am no family member. I am no lover.

I am a law student. I am an advocate. I work on research. I share shallow jokes. I make people smile from time to time. I enjoy short dates where shallow kisses fall on the deaf ears of my heart. I run now and move my legs to go through the motions. I am not inspired. My heart's passion sits in a lull.

Am I hated now? Am I so alone because I deserve this? Do I sit on the precipice of homelessness? I am told by law professors that I am smart. I have rave references. I make people laugh. I strive to do something with my life. Yet, I am alone.

My mind never shuts off. All I want is a family, some connection, some purpose in this life. I never thought it would be like this. I never thought I would be so far from the most important things. How do I stay somewhere if I am always told how much I don't belong?

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Praying for a normal MRI

Today, I contemplate many things (as is often the case when I make these blog posts).

I feel as if I am too inward-thinking. Yes, I do think much about the outside world, but recently I've been wondering about my insides ... more like worrying. My senses feel off. I cannot separate the psychosomatic symptoms from the real ones (if any). Tomorrow I go in for an MRI. Wednesday I will sit with a neurologist and talk about the results.

I want to be brave, but how can one be brave when he knows absolutely nothing about what is in front of him. In my lifetime, I have lost such special people; I have confronted poverty; I have faced down bullies; I have run until my legs feel like jelly; I have cried, face down in the grass on a hot summer day with no regard to how perfect the day was; and I have risen to such great heights of happiness even on a cold rainy day. I have overcome many fears and stepped great distances from my comfort zone. Yet, this feels like nothing else. At 31, my body and mind might be betraying me. My body's abilities may fall off steeply, and I may be destined to ride out my days in a wheelchair; I may lose my ability to speak, to act, or to think. 

I am scared, and I want to be brave.

How will I do what I want to do? How will I reach my goals like this? I am praying that these results come back negative.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Rant on.

My body can be a ferocious beast. It can travel hours over mixed terrain and ascend up a vertical face. Honed, it can do hours of cardio. Honed, it feels refreshed after laying in a bed after a full day of outdoor activity.

Yet, my body is a vessel. It carries a mind that taxes it with stress and uncertainty. It pulls it through low nutrients and inactivity. I stare at computer screens for hours and only my fingers twitch. Lately, I have been lazy. I try to keep working out and fail. Slowly, I can feel my body fall into disrepair. Two days ago, my leg went numb while laying in bed. As I tried to move it, nothing happened. I flopped over in bed, awaiting the numb, tingly feeling to come but nothing happened. I panicked. I flopped my body to the side, hoping that my leg was just numb but working. When I got to edge of my bed, my body collapsed onto my leg. I sat there for a moment and wondered what to do. Immediately, my overactive imagination jumped to stroke. Given the stress, poor nutrition and inactivity, I felt it wasn't too much of a long shot. Given in to despair, I called my roommate into my room. As he came in, maybe the way I shifted my body made a difference and my leg was working. I told him sorry for wasting his time and made an appointment with the doc. A nurse checked me out for stroke and said I did quite well (in other words, nothing indicated a stroke). The doc wanted me to see a neurologist. However, I've been down this road before with my insurance. It is stressful going to the doctor. It is even more stressful trying to cope with the medical bills. So I will wait to see if it happens again.

I went running afterward and felt weak. My body is in no shape to run, and it makes feel slothful. I want to run and feel free like old times. I want to be able to run three miles and not feel like I'm going to die. Lately, I can barely run one mile. BLAST IT!

The semester is wrapping up and I feel obligated to finish a paper at the last minute. I had to pick the topic while I was worried about finances and not thinking about school. So, needless to say, I got the topic wrong. Being that it was too late to switch the topic, I find my theme and all my conclusions to be contrived.

I hope to escape this summer and get my thesis done. I only want to connect to people on a deeper level. I want to make some new friends and have some new adventures. I want to press my body to be active again and away from this depressing environment. It still doesn't feel like I'm leaving Moscow. I guess I am just as worried that Boise will be much of the same. I learned last weekend that even though everyone has been nice upon my return, some talk constantly saying things they wouldn't dare say to my face. I say these people are cowards. Yet, uncertain of who they are, I am pushing everyone back.

It is unsettling to be in this atmosphere. I value genuineness and sincerity. I believe this fakeness is the failing of leadership in this country.

Rant over. 

Sunday, April 12, 2015

2L year ramps up. Summer unknown/scary. Feeling down, but Alive.

Where is this big world I used to know so well? Where is adventure, achievement, a challenge worth attempting?

Where are my friends? Where are those kindred spirits who long for deep connections, deep experiences, truth, and adventure?

My routine has become disjointed, too busy with law school to breathe, too busy trying not to stress about my summer. It gets closer, and my plans still hang in limbo. I have again reached outside of the ordinary to try a new approach. It has yielded little results. But I fear I must approach the very precipice of my own destruction before I turn away.

I have come too far to give up now.

I am down this morning.

Last night, I wrapped myself in an old blanket and shivered myself to sleep. I didn't want to close the window. The air was too fresh, and oh how I have missed fresh air. I slept alone which is probably for the best. Too many times, I get close to the wrong people. Too many times I get close to people who are on some different path, and we must always part. Many times, I wake up and would like to see a family. Instead, I see my alcoholic roommate shuffling around recovering from his latest lonely bout of drinking. He is not a good conversationalist. A bitter law student, nearly every conversation turns into him trying to prove he is right on a topic, but I fear he rarely is.  So I turn to him as I pass to leave and say something generic like, "Hey, have a good day today." It keeps it positive, but let's him know I am not really in the mood for conversation (at least not with him).

My life has become a series of small connections with many people. I work on legal research or my studies during the day. Sometimes, when I close my eyes I can still see the glow of fire against the swaying trees, the silhouette of rocky shores, Curt and Al strumming their guitars. Or I see the red crimson cliffs of Zion as I ascend downward into a slot canyon slipping down into the water, disconnecting my rappel and slowly treading to the other side. I look up and a tiny slit of blue stands above towering red sandstone cliffs on each side. It is like caving without the claustrophobic tightness. I see the gray Eastern sandstone as I ascend up a rock wall. I see my friends around a table for dinner. I see many old faces filled with laughter. I see a community. 

My life is better for these memories. Yet it is a curse all the same. I truly miss feeling connected. I long for some stability in my life, and I long for a family. I long for beauty and poetry. I long for talking about the finer things, and I long for those days when I didn't fear the future so much. I felt on a path, and I felt wise for being there. Now I feel like I got lost somewhere along the way, and all this was a horrible mistake. I have lost friends, loved ones, experiences, and family. Yet, I still cannot stop.

On any given day, you'll see me laughing, making light of a situation, and saying that everything is OK. Why? Because if I continue downward all day: I will never see the canyon walls of Zion; I'll never be able to introduce children to the wilderness; I'll never hear another jovial strum around a campfire; I'll never hold one woman's hand into the future forever; I'll never be able to connect to my family; I'll never get out of this hell I've stepped into.

So I will find ten reasons to laugh today. I will find a reason to run or climb. I will find a reason to make someone's day better.

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” RWE


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Ambitiously enduring.