Wednesday, February 24, 2010


Damn it! Let's just face it. I was afraid, and I went away from the truth.

I wanted to keep Janel. I wanted a family. I wanted love, the West, the ocean, the support through good and bad, forgiveness, security and acceptance. I was willing to forgive the way she looked down at me because of my dependence. I came into it so independent and left like a crying child. Subservient, subdued, spanked and whipped was I. This just wasn't with her. It was with everyone. I hate how I've allowed so many people to walk all over me.

The move has definitely helped my senses. I am away from everyone. No one can drag me into her paradigm. This existence is mine. I shall make the paradigm.  I've been running 4 or 5 miles a day along with an hour of cardio. I am working on my graduate studies. I am reading texts, articles and writing a lit review in my free time. I have been actively trying to get a better job, but I get along with the one I have. Sleep is few and far but sometimes I do manage an 8-hour night.

I'm not going to push my senses to fully return. I feel if I push it too much, I will lend my soul to a similar schism. With good friends, a challenging job, a beautiful soul holding my hand and a scary adventure from time to time, I know all will be right. My heart will love with that fiery intensity. My words will flock to the page in a kaleidoscope of metaphors and symbolism. My words will ring of truth and stoke the soul's furnace.

For now, deep breaths.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I sit here staring at a blank screen. I keep asking myself to just write the truth ...

... just write the truth.

...  but what is that?

I know I must go to graduate school. Yet I am afraid I don't have the resources to take the steps. It frustrates me so much. I know I have the abilities! And I don't want to be pushed down the wrong road. Part of me still misses the heightened emotional state of being in love. But part of me fears I will fear ever letting go again. I have let myself fall into this stage in my life. So much squandered!

Everything is easy again. Easy is pure agony. It tells me that I am not where I should be. It tells of the missed opportunities and what lengths I will go to hide in the foggy imperfections of that heightened emotional state. (Oh, but wasn't it thrilling though?!) - I think to myself -

The truth is ... I want my cake and to eat it too. I want to fall in love with someone who will not hinder me, who I will not hinder - but who will stay beside me, who will love me ... for all the complexities and imperfections. I would forgive any mishap. I would love any imperfection for her. God! I just feel so alone sometimes, and it drives me crazy. I fear a future without love even with the greatest accomplishments. I also fear a wasted life. Utah is a great place, but I fear it is not what I need ...

I need more education. I desire truth. I plead for a life well maintained and well focused. I yearn for passion. J'ai voudrais un amour ici.

Thursday, February 04, 2010

A recap

Day one:

I kissed my mother and said a good bye. I left early in the morning, drove past St. Louis and said goodbye to Tyler. I got into Emily's mid afternoon. We hung out, shared our lives and met up with Tarik.

Day two:

I said goodbye to Emily and her mom. Back on the ole road. I laughed as I sang along to music I knew oh so well. Drove into Denver 4ish, went to Boulder to meet up with Thaddeus and Sam. They shared the story of their winter ascent. I drank half a PBR, but gave the rest to Thaddeus. They left to drive through the night. I went to my sister's. We shared life. I joked with Courtney and her friend. Before retiring the evening, we watched UP!. The thing I love of my sister is her ability to laugh and have fun. I have yet to see anyone laugh so much while watching UP!

Day three:

I took a deep breath, said goodbye to the mountains I hold so dear and started my car. I got out one more time to say a proper bye. I hated the fact I was again leaving. I always hate leaving the only place I feel at home, like I could stay a thousand years. Then the mountains were flying by, ice on the roads and dicey driving over the pass. Dinner time. Utah. I was shown the room where I would be staying. Jordan and I shared life. I met Andrew.

A few days later I would meet Becca, my third roommate.

It is now week three. I found a job day three, started day seven. My regular schedule now consists of: wake up, work out, eat, go to work, come home, send a few e-mails and sleep; repeat. Climb and hike on the weekends.

Everything is gone. No one thought I had a path, but I always did until this point. I thought I would eventually get to some of my goals. I freaked out anytime my path looked as if it was disappearing, and finally ... it did. It's a free feeling not to have a path now. How can one be stuck when he isn't trying to get anywhere? My heart is quiet. It is too quiet. The passion that rides my life is gone.

In three weeks, I will have an application packet complete for a job. I've already interviewed, and the interviewer said I was in. Then I'll buy my plane ticket, take a long plane ride and live somewhere new. It will get me to India during breaks. And then life will be what it is.

I cannot change who I am. I know the passion will flood back. Yet this time, I will not make the same mistakes.
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Solo ala West

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Ambitiously enduring.