Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Decision to Rebuild My Passions

Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote: “Sow a thought and you reap an action; sow an act and you reap a habit; sow a habit and you reap a character; sow a character and you reap a destiny.” I have become an anxious man filled with habits that do not align with his spirit. This has had an unsettling affect on my demeanor. It is as if my true self, the one I am most proud of comes out in short spurts to feel the sunshine, to breathe the moist air, to smell the flowers for their beauty, to write with my heart, and to speak with the voice of my own soul with all its flaws, strengths, grit, and integrity etched in by the blunt knife that has been my life.

So how do I get back there from this Depression that has blossomed into my life. How do I start to climb out of this pain-ridden, lonely existence within a life that I dread?

It is as simple as climbing. It will take courage and blind faith in my own abilities. It is like standing up and looking up at a challenging sport climb. The first bolt is sometimes very high. Sometimes, I think that I could break my leg if I fall before it. Sometimes, I think of the second bolt and think, if I fall at that bolt, I could do even worse. I could die. If I do not do the route, it facilitates a process of becoming a person I do not like. It facilitates me falling away from loving what I love. The cowardice slips in and begins to poison every part of my life. When fear erupts, I sit and await death in a malaise that once knew what it was like to live without fear. I am held in its grasp like a weak, infant duck captured in the gator's claws.

That is why, when I staring at this climb. My soul smells the fear coming on. My mind weakens in its resolve, and I begin to back away. The fear consumes me. Yet, I go forward with the fear. I feel it slowly release as I begin to act, to move, to stretch and feel the rock beneath my hands. I begin to loosen up as the sun reaches around the corner, and I begin to feel confident as I get to the first bolt and more confident as the second bolt comes. The third bolt is clipped and I really begin to feel the movements again. It is no thing to start with fear in the heart. However, it is crucial to act when fear rides in and paralyzes our actions. It is only through this that I can become the person I was meant to be.

That is what I shall do to climb out of this hole. I will not take the normal path. I will act in ways that terrorize me. I will act in ways that I "know" will lead to failure. I will move every day and keep moving. When I am weak and tired, I shall slowly move, but I shall move nonetheless. Each step forward from this point will be wicked, full of fear, full of unknowns, and bewilderment. Yet, I will act in the present to get closer. When I am alone, I shall walk out to act. I shall write. I shall push my body to the limits. I shall strive to rebuild a work ethic and a passion I once had.

I can live no other life than my own. I must not wish to be wealthy, to be safe, to be secure. That is a path left to the ones not ready to lead the climb. I have felt the lead, the danger, and I relished in its glory and the excitement of truly living. I shall strive to go forward in my own fashion, to feel free, to inspire others and to build relationships in only ways I can. I shall be open to any path where I can be close to my true self.

I strive to leave this mental slavery I have forced upon myself. Utmost, I strive.


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Ambitiously enduring.