Friday, April 30, 2010


I met my grandfather once. Yet it was not him. It was just the shell. He had already started to succumb to Alzheimer's. I shook his hand. He seemed to very happy to finally meet me. I was very glad to meet him. I truly think we would have understood each other. 

I have had the luxury of knowing great men during my short existence.  They raised families, saved others' lives, served in wars, rebelled and kept genuine natures. They also, nearly all of them, lost themselves for a while. But in the end, they always seemed to recover. They inspire me to be a better man, to try harder and not give in to all these damn obstacles.

I will not let them down.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Dark Heart

Dear Miss,

I wish we were friends. For we  - even in those chaotic times - did share a beautiful moment. As our feet slipped on the scree that is youth, mistakes were made. I wish I was wiser and stronger when you knew me. I wish you could have glimpsed into my heart. Tragic, my eyes saw yours so open. That heart, so beautifully dark, did outshine mine.

For now, there is only bitterness and contempt. Yet I still see your photos from time to time. You are smiling and indulging in life. Maybe I was just a tool for you. Maybe in some part of my mind, that is a better existence to be a tool for such a fine heart. But I still wish we could have been friends.



Thursday, April 22, 2010

The last $30.

Still waiting for the background check to clear. Please oh please, government bureaucracy, work faster than usual.

I am trained. Everything is set. And now I wait with my last $30. I do not enjoy being broke. My mind seems not to focus on the present. It instead focuses on trying to counter and overcome all of the possible scenarios that may happen. Much still needs to be done though.

And it will.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

In my dreams, I am a protector

Imaginative dream

The dark night creeps around the bamboo torches. The light flames flicker off the coarse, deciduous flora. Some sleep on the ground. Some sit and talk. Some run and play. It is a light atmosphere. And I float. I am not really here. This is the pattern in so many dreams, I recall. I mingle in and out of conversations not my own. I watch heroes and heroines venture forth into impossible situations. I usually just watch from afar as my mind's kaleidoscope churns and creates vivid epics.

But tonight is different. A darkness masses on the corner of light. It  creeps in and builds high. I can feel a tsunami ready to hit. And suddenly there is a swarm about. Pandemonium! And I sit and watch still as those under me suffer at its wrath. But something is rising. It comes from deep within, and trickles to the surface.

In a moment, I am not such a passive spirit. I am standing on the ground.

"What do you want from these people? Why are you here? Why do want to cause such pain?" I ask.

The voice responds that it is trying to rid the world of hate, of anger, of mindless lust and of all the idiocy that comes from existence. I reason with it, but it will have none of it. And the clash resumes. The black mass swirls and masses in a place consuming whatever is there. It leaves behind a void. And as I watch, my fury grows. For this is a dream and my world.

And now beside me is a great bear. I feel it tear into the darkness. I feel a primal fear, a primal anger as it attacks. It thrashes at the cloud. Using its mass, it barrels a tunnel through the mass and disappears. And I slowly walk towards it.

The bear lies on the ground. Its body moves in a slow rhythm as giant breathes flow in and out of its mighty lungs. I kneel beside the bear and place one hand down on it. I am crying now. And again, I begin to speak to the mass, and it responds.

"You do not understand the beauty of all that is ugly," I speak in a calm tone, tears silently sliding down my cheeks. "For where in any existence is there ever beauty when not compared to the ugly. And of course the ugliness is easy and the beauty is hard. And of course, I watch as some slide deeper and deeper into the ugly nature. But they can still return. They can, at any moment, achieve their best. I once fell into moments of that ugly nature. And I returned."

The cloud stops. It reverts into a single being. And it speaks.

"I am glad you found your way back to beauty. But hope alone will not destroy me."

~ This dream did not disappear like most. I must come back and analyze this. Funny, the effects of wine and a solid, quiet night.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

unbeknownst to all the jazzy, quirky, limitless joy that could be perceived in the present.
Posted by Picasa
lost in the grandeur of all that has come before
Posted by Picasa

a bridge between the mortal and immortal being
Posted by Picasa

but ancient beings reaching for
Posted by Picasa
For what are we
Posted by Picasa


About Me

My photo
Ambitiously enduring.