Sunday, April 28, 2013


A law school dropout, now director of a theater department smiled and spoke about truth. The only thing he said mattered was truth. 

Yet, where is truth when it feels as if society drags us constantly from it? Where so many people hide behind the mask of some rationalization, truth is a lost concept. Some hide behind advanced degrees, never wanting the world to know their own intellectual impotency. Some, outwardly beautiful people, will forever feel insecure in their beauty. Their worth ebbs and flows on the extrinsic energy of the group. 

However, inner confidence gives rise to a classic comfort. This comfort gives rise to a classic, key emotional stability that helps us stay as a steady as a clock when all the world storms around us. As Robert Louis Stevenson once wrote, "Quiet minds cannot be perplexed or frightened, but go on in fortune or misfortune at their own private pace, like a clock during a thunder-storm." 

I have watched my confidence dwindle this year. I wrapped it up in another, and another, and another until it was out of my control - a stormy mind in a stormy world. Yet, today, I take a step back as my mind begins to quiet, as I start to see the world again for how it is. 

Being strong in this world means carrying a quiet mind through the raging storm

Camus once declared that within the midst of the winter, he found within him an invincible summer.This summer, my invincible summer, my personal fire, I have thrown in many directions lately. I have spread it out over 2,000 miles and felt only empty words in return. I have spent what little energy I had in a fruitless endeavor. My body crashed against the shore of lost hope. It is a hard thing for me to know something is possible, but a realistic impossibility. As with everything, this is a learning experience. 



Saturday, April 13, 2013

Exams then Boise

Dancing meant so much then. A head rested on my shoulder. Our hips shifted at the sway of the rhythm. The solidarity of movement helped captured a certain essence of our humanity.  Once one has touched those truly beautiful moments of life, every other little thing is only a distraction from those moments. In other words, a man who has seen the sunlight will never accept the pale glow of artificial light. It is a connection not to be lessened with our rational minds.

Now, I dance and twist in wild rhythms trying to capture a freedom I once possessed. The alcohol courses through my veins. It peels the brain's onion, and all the bad decisions flow forth without guilt. And when a sober thought reaches me, I think of those deeper days when I was a better man. I think of the children I could have inspired, the projects I could have poured this time into … I think of the useless and boring days here.

Lately, I have been running. I also run to feel free. Breathing rapidly, pulse buzzing, sweat perspiring, an aliveness encompasses my spirit. Endorphins emerge and maybe I am not so lost as I seemed only hours ago. Yet, I run with a certain notion of bittersweet angst. No goal sits on my doorstep. I am where I worked to be, and now sometimes I just want to leave. I found love only to reject it. Now, I am a but a fragment of what I once was. However society may see me, I have fallen and am in the bitter struggle of climbing out.

I need this to be leading somewhere. I need my life to mean something.

It is not within me to give up.


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Ambitiously enduring.