Saturday, April 13, 2013

Exams then Boise

Dancing meant so much then. A head rested on my shoulder. Our hips shifted at the sway of the rhythm. The solidarity of movement helped captured a certain essence of our humanity.  Once one has touched those truly beautiful moments of life, every other little thing is only a distraction from those moments. In other words, a man who has seen the sunlight will never accept the pale glow of artificial light. It is a connection not to be lessened with our rational minds.

Now, I dance and twist in wild rhythms trying to capture a freedom I once possessed. The alcohol courses through my veins. It peels the brain's onion, and all the bad decisions flow forth without guilt. And when a sober thought reaches me, I think of those deeper days when I was a better man. I think of the children I could have inspired, the projects I could have poured this time into … I think of the useless and boring days here.

Lately, I have been running. I also run to feel free. Breathing rapidly, pulse buzzing, sweat perspiring, an aliveness encompasses my spirit. Endorphins emerge and maybe I am not so lost as I seemed only hours ago. Yet, I run with a certain notion of bittersweet angst. No goal sits on my doorstep. I am where I worked to be, and now sometimes I just want to leave. I found love only to reject it. Now, I am a but a fragment of what I once was. However society may see me, I have fallen and am in the bitter struggle of climbing out.

I need this to be leading somewhere. I need my life to mean something.

It is not within me to give up.

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Ambitiously enduring.