Monday, December 28, 2009

Sunlight and Fresh Air

The sun breaks through the window. It does not shine on me but just to my right. It makes an ordinary chair in an otherwise ordinary kitchen shine with a luster of a beautiful, lazy day. Outside, an inch of snow sits on the ground. It gives the sun's rays a bit more brightness.

Steady ... steady ... I must hold this course steady no matter the outcome. Though it may finally be destructive. I cannot escape my heart and spirit.

A young woman called me a few nights ago. In more or less words, she asked me to stay away from the Pacific Northwest. It was pretty ugly. 2:00am. I was happy when I picked up the phone and bewildered the next. Earlier she said she had another with whom she was sleeping ... said she loved me and this other was just something physical. I wanted to rationalize it, to believe in it. In any case I could not. Maybe that's why it failed ... for all of her shallow words, she knew the truth. Her mind imprisons her as much as anyone else in this world. Even my mind imprisons me with my thoughts, standards, dreams and fears.

As soon as I find a sublessor, I will be back steady on my course. I have no time to be a prisoner of my own mind.

Let truth and reality reign.

Today I live in sunshine and fresh air.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

I am I

Sometimes I wish I didn't have so much emotion ... such ferocity! In our culture, it is good to have complete control of one's emotions. Yet, my emotions are too much!

So you call me weak?!

That I am not.

My emotions are unbridled. They are the heart of my intelligence, my love, my anger ... my physical and emotional body. My heart after all the pain is but a ragged dagger. It has tasted the beautify of life and has seen its fragility. I ask you, if you love life why not embrace it? What do we have to lose, but life? If we do not risk a little now, it will be a slow drag to death's embrace.

No! That is no life for me.

I would like to glide into into death's embrace.

I need hard work. I need to ask for as much out of this existence as I can. Fear has no place in my heart. It hinders me. It hinders my true nature.

Tonight, I read a book that tells of why it is good to produce. While I do not believe it should come at any cost, I do feel the need to produce something tangible and needed. I also feel the need to pursue my own self interest. Tonight, I make a pact with myself. One I will not break, not for anything ...

In February, I shall leave the Midwest. It offers me nothing. It is not my home. It only brings me boredom. I will not come back. These emotions within me are strong. I won't give up on them. Existence is too short. This life will not come without planning and hard work.

"You must earn it. True greatness comes not by favoritism, but by fitness. And the right hand and the left are not mine to give, they belong to those who are prepared." - One who saw truth.

Thursday, December 17, 2009


Fuck it.

I'm moving out West. Will it work? Who cares!

Why do people let me down? Who knows? This is existence.

Probably not the smartest way, but just going to go ... Where?

Ha! Like I even know ...

It's just me now.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Ara Batur

Vid spilum endalaust

Before I take a single drink tonight, I must tell myself a few things. One, I need stability. I need people around who won't flake out on me. I need to build faith in people. It is not enough to have faith in myself. I need to gain a sound base of at least $2,000 that I will always keep in savings for any given mishap just for the peace of mind that comes with knowing things could go wrong. I preferably would like to build up more wealth. Everything is driven by wealth.

I have a weakness in that I am sensitive, and I do care a lot about others. I empathize with people and their situations. I have always felt a need to do good in this world. I must understand this is a weakness. I don't feel like it is, but it means I am easily manipulated by others. I have to work for little to nothing when I have no form of a safety net. My knowledge in economics tells me all of the benefits I forgo by thinking in this manner. My mind does not focus as it must. Women are also a problem. Women see me as weak. I am accused of not having a great plan. I stress as my decisions seem so crucial from time to time, and I lose my humor and strong mind. My problems bring others stress.

I know I am strong. But I shouldn't push it so far. I've tried my whole life to push it more and more. Nothing is enough. Yet, now I know that I am alone. I must think of only myself. This is what my life must be. I must think of nothing else. I must change.

The world is a cruel place. It can be beautiful as well. I will not admit I lost. Never! Yet ... everything is changing. I must not think too much, not tonight. Not any night.

Monday, December 14, 2009

To see the waves breaking on the shore ...

My eye lids raise instantly. And I'm staring at his smile set against yellow and red lions. Who are you, Mr. Marley? And why do your words give me strength only on summer days?

I don't want a sure thing ... but DAMN! Come on... Is my life really going to just disintegrate once I get out West again?

And it is fear that is causing all of this ... The ugly bastard doth raise it's head and cry out to me, "Even if you do not heed me, I shall make another." That is when the tyrant grips me. She called last night to say she was annoyed by my love. She was scared of me, scared of this situation, maybe she didn't even want me to come. She rescinded. I didn't expect it, not after her being so resolute last time. Not after I had confirmed and asked her not to "flake out on me." But she did, and I understood her fear.

Then we spoke. She cried. I cried. She wanted me to talk her down. So I did. She told me again that she wanted me to come out. We spoke in confidences, and I let her back in. She said she wouldn't back down this time. I hope not, but still wonder how crazy all of this really is.

So I am scared of what is to come. Friends say that I am being foolish. Maybe I am. But I have sense to know when something is worth trying.

Except this time, I won't come back. I'd rather die trying this time. For the road may be crazy. I will face fear head on. I may fail, but I will not collapse. There's no chance I'm coming back. If I fail, I'll just sink into that abyss until I can start digging myself out. For the Western air is always sweeter, and this Midwestern lifestyle does not suit me.

So what's the story, Bob? Why don't you work so well on winter days?

Friday, December 11, 2009


In this modern age, very little remains that is real. Night has been banished, so have the cold, the wind and the stars. They have all been neutralized: the rhythm of life itself is obscured. Everything goes so fast and makes so much noise, and men hurry by without heeding the grass by the roadside, its colour, its smell and the way it shimmers when the wind caresses it. What a strange encounter then is that between man and the high places of his planet! Up there he is surrounded by the silence of forgetfulness. If there is a slope of snow steep as a glass window, he climbs it, leaving behind him a strange trail. If there is a rock perfect as an obelisk, he defies gravity and proves that he can get up anywhere. - Starlight and Storm by Gaston R├ębuffat

Because here in the depths of seeing so much destruction, we may lose ourselves. Let us be not who society wants us to be, but people with the talents and gifts passed down from one generation to the next.

Behind these eyes, I possess great talent. Only fear will stop me from going further. But as my brother would say, "We're only here for a moment. Then we die. No one gets out alive."

So really, what's there to fear. We all die. Why not push it a bit? Live a bit more free. For once, I am being selfish. I am going to grab the things most important to me - no matter the cost. I am going to hold her again. I am going to make some money. I am going to gain a sound foundation by any means necessary. I have been on the brink of survival for too long. I will use my brain for my own means. Then, I shall help others. Once I have gained a foothold.

Let me be bound by my own existence. Not others' shallow perception of it. I will live life by my rules. I shall be only bound by my imagination.


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Ambitiously enduring.