You there! Keep a lookout!

Out there, the desert seemed to be everywhere. Water was precious. It gave meaning to me. I felt it wash over my skin as I jumped into baby blue Lake Powell. I remember rolling through the waves like a seal, the crimson cliffs TOWERING above me. The red rock served as a constant reminder that the desert was still out there, thirsty and dangerous. Without water, I would have withered.

It is good to remember the truth of things. For even when a tiny sliver of truth remains, it will live on. The Midwest ruins the importance of water. It seems to be everywhere.

Yet, there are many things that are missing here. And if I can find them here, I am sure they will course over my rough soul just as the smooth waters of Lake Powell once coursed over my rough skin. 

Friendship

This is Easter.

I could ramble on in another of my posts. Yet, I won't.

I would give everything for a genuine hug.

It isn't so much the tasks. It is the haunting feeling that as I "progress" in life, I fall away from friends, loved ones and the more important aspects of what makes this life great.

The Warm Pre-summer Drizzle

The leaves are out again. Their presence brings about a renewal of life. Presently, a warm drizzle wafts down from above. Today reminds me of Pennsylvania.

~ I finished my first year of university. I was down about leaving Colorado, but excited about a journey that brought me back to something more fulfilling and meaningful. It was an adventure for a purpose, but it meandered in a grand way. I had met a kindred spirit (the first I had met in my 19 years). We had written letters back and forth since meeting. It was a rambling poetic prose that fed from the vigor of our youth and expression of two poetic hearts. Back then, I thought I was in love. I had never met another kindred. I was determined to find out what it all meant.

Very soon, I found myself a summer camp counselor in the Poconos. I embarked on four hour trips to see this kindred spirit who was in actuality, a very sharp and shy contrast from her words. We met the first time on an island bridge in the fog. We met then and only one time since. Our friendship has survived, however, within the same kindred prose. Other times I remember, were the days I spent on the Delaware, days sailing with my kids, the mid-afternoon runs, the jaunts with the French gymnastics coach while I practiced my then, more practiced French, the sparring with the karate instructor, and the random adventures with my Scottish friend, Si. Life was new and bewildering. I had never been out East. I felt out of place, but at one in the midst of so much drive and ambition. ~

And now I feel that I sit here, at a crossroads in my life. Many people become more distant. I am getting older and hopefully wiser. I am forgiving myself for so many mistakes. For they have crafted my heart to see the world through this unique lens. 

An ode to the adventurous, cantankerous spirit

Why do people band together expectant of receiving benefits - benefits till this point that were only imagined never a reality? Why are any of us entitled to expect more from this life than just the ordinary? Why should we carve a path of our own, seek out the things that will make us stronger, more complete?

We are entitled because we breathe. We walk this earth and our conscious state should not succumb to the mundane.

I see a pattern forming. As life gets less dangerous, less mysterious, we lose more and more of ourselves. The bars of this prison get closer and closer. Why travel another world away when we read about it, listen to it and see it on Google.com? Why find a person of another culture when we can see him on a popular sitcom?

If we choose to live in the real world, full of peaks and troughs, it will be a rougher road. Yet! What are we here for? To breathe for the simple pleasure of breathing? NO! We are here to feel the pain, the anguish, the love, the depth of appreciation, the goose bumps, the chills, the mystery and rhythm that pervades life. If one chooses the "safe" known path, she will miss out on all this.

It's better with an open heart.

"So if ever someone says to you, "Life isn't fair. Get used to it." Then you should say, "Well, it might be, if folks like you would let it be."

It's a lot easier to be cold, but it's not life. I'd rather just work through the pain finally. It's clear she doesn't want me now. It takes a lot of courage to admit I was wrong, and to lower myself, accepting my faults. Yet this is the only way I'll get back to my true self. I could care less what people think. I wish she wouldn't have said  what she said. I wish she didn't ignore me now. The only things she says back to me are things I've done wrong. I guess that is fair enough. In the long run, I'd rather see it for how it is.

I went climbing today and then on a run. It felt good to be surrounded by people I knew, focusing on the rock and my movements. I climbed harder than usual and some good inner strength came back. I didn't fear the falls. I just took them.

I feel good that I finally told her how I felt. I needed to. It's a fair deal, I guess, that she doesn't have to even respond. I imagine she's just afraid to tell me how it really is. Acceptance can be a hazy mess sometimes. I always like to play the optimist, but I can see the end. I can see it and when I can accept it, I guess I can move on and keep my feelings with me this time. Last time, I just buried them with coldness. I knew I still cared, but I just buried them and accepted it as it couldn't be. Now it seems to be over. I guess I just wanted to hear it from her so I could move on with my feelings.

A run in the cold rain

To feel the first moments of a run while the rain came down and the cold shook my limbs was not a definite mystery. My cool muscles twitched nervously without rhythm. My lungs felt the shock of the cool air and my bald head felt the pain as the wind and cold greeted it in sudden gusts.

A few moments occurred where I sat in my car and wondered if the five miles in these conditions were really worth it. I knew it would only be the first half mile that would be painful. After this point, my joints and muscles would be properly warm, and I would fall into a rhythm. I also knew that last night while I sat in bed trying to fall asleep, I longed to run and run. I longed to reach out and touch the inner rhythms of my mind. I have to start realizing the value of things.

So many times, the moment, the place, the person is lost on us.

How dare I then not run! How dare I shrink away from life again? What am I here for but to live and breathe, to feel the pulse of life and vivacity of how extremely good and bad it can be?

Acceptance and patience are not virtues of mine. I accept too much then too little. I never wait long enough or when the time counts I wait too long. There are things I need from this life. I should move more swiftly in the present and the future. The past is past.

Steinbeck is a good friend.

With my mind wrapped around Steinbeck, I sit back against my bed and feel the cool breeze. I can't think of a better way to spend the night. George Washington is credited with the quote, "It is far better to be alone than to be in bad company." I doubt he was the first to say it. It must be a timeless sentiment. I am really tired of the scene here in Carbondale.

I can't wait to strike out onto the rock this summer. It poured tonight. So I doubt the rock will be dry tomorrow. Besides, I have too much work to get done. Tomorrow night is another story though. I'm going to snag a campsite somewhere. I know of a few backcountry sites that may be free and that would give me some more solitude. Or I could just settle on any site. I doubt with it dipping near 40, there will be much competition (maybe in Jackson). 

I could want for a thousand things right now, but it's just not worth it. I have a feeling that if I stick to my guns, people will be sorry for doubting me. I think if I stick to my guns, I will have no reason to doubt myself. Besides, life is just more fun and fulfilling this way.

The Power to Help a Person (never forget who I am)

I always seem to have the weirdest dreams.

~I saved a small girl. Her parents were horrible people. They yelled at her constantly. They yelled such negative things as parents often do when they seem to put the burden of never wanting kids directly on their kids. While sobbing uncontrollably, the small girl walked into the busy street. I felt tense as I watched car after car dodge her. Then, I could stand still no longer. I rushed into the traffic and snatched her up.

I saved her, and then I refused to give her up. I told her I would show her a way to find happiness. I refused to let society make yet another person miserable.~

This dream reminds me of something. First, I should not give up. There are people who need me to get through this. There are people who suffer, and I cannot help them if I am weak. Second, I must keep that genuine part of my soul alive. I love to help people. It is a major part of me. I have to keep it even if it hurts me, even if I make no money nor have a family of my own. I am not doing this for some obscure reason. I am doing it for every reason.

Emotions .... bleh.

I guess it doesn't have to be worth anything. At least it is sunny and warm outside.

I hate the phrase, "You'll find the right girl." I hate it especially coming from an ex who said she still loved me the night before. People are so fickle and inconsistent. Why does it even matter to me so much? Sometimes, I hate my emotional weakness.


It's time to see it for how it is: 

1. I need to start believing in myself again. 
2. Everything will fall into place.
3. Truth exists.
4. The people who abandon you weren't worth it. They will never be worth it. 
5. Every day is a new chance to find what I need from life.

Songs that will keep me going.

1. Let Me Be - Xavier Rudd
2. Black Rock - O.A.R. 
3. Hey Hey - Dispatch
4. True Believers - Bouncing Souls
5. Gone - Bouncing Souls
6. Home - O.A.R.
7. Shut It Down - MxPx
8. 3.2 - Hot Buttered Rum
9. Solace - Xavier Rudd
10. Teenage Riot - The Ataris
11. Tightrope - Orange 9mm
12. KRS One - Sublime
13. Redemption Song - Bob Marley
14. Chicago - Sufjan Stevens
15. Misfits - T.E.B.

Slow it down

Thank you, Mr. Monet for a painting like Venice at Twilight. It is the culmination of slow and deliberate work. It reminds me that my hand must also move with slow, careful, deliberate strokes. For I so fear that something will pass me by that I move without the careful navigation that life sometimes necessitates.

I must take a deep breath, slow it down and steer my ship out to sea. 

Bluegrass makes my heart smile

Be Loud. Let your colors show.

Be Loud. Let the others know. First a whisper then it grows.

Can you feel it ?

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." - RWE

I flop out of bed and into the shower. I wash away all the "old nonsense."	This day will give me something new. It will come with all the adventures within the realm of possibility. All I have to do is keep my eyes open.	No more time to wish. Just time to think and act. Actions will decide everything.