Saturday, December 31, 2005

Last day of 2005

Hung out with my bro yesterday. We were supposed to go climbing but he was two hours late, threw off the whole rhythm of the day. But all is forgiven.

We started out by heading to downtown St. Louis. We went to Union Station, Hooters. It was my cousin Brandon, Justice and his best friend Lon ( no idea if that is how you spell his name.) It was an awesome day, but I think I felt a little sick afterwards, not enough sleep and too much alcohol/caffeine.

As I walked with my cousin lastnight, a little epiphany erupted in my little world. The air was crisp and wet. It was slightly cloudy and the lights reflected off the ground to create a dreamlike atmosphere. I could have just walked around alone and been perfectly happy. We were right under the arch, headed towards downtown. I like being in a place where something is always happening, and I think that is what draws me so much to the city. I know St. Louis isn't the biggest place, but it is nice. I like seeing all the diversity in the people. I like having different restaurants, different bars, museums and art exhibits at my fingertips.

I later headed back to Sossity's house. I played around with her children and finally was too tired and too sick to go on, so I drove my cousin back home and went back to Taylorville.

I really do see myself just packing up one day and moving away to some distant place. It doesn't scare me. It just thrills me. I think if God has a plan for me, I will be fine. It will all be good. I know how much life is worth and how short it is by all the people that I have lost so far. I want my life to be something amazing. I don't need fame or fortune though. I just want experiences. I want to live a truly romantic lifestyle. I want big adventures, big wins, huge losses and all the risks that come along with those odds.

I know I want to help people, and I know I am not doing enough as it is. So right now, I'll work on building myself up. I will work on being a better person so I might actually be strong enough to do all that I plan on doing. I really do need to be stronger before I begin on this huge journey I have planned.

Thursday, December 29, 2005



The vivid contrast of motionless days compared to utter excitement. It is the spellbinding disease I am born with. It is the champion fever I need. It is a call to reach somewhat above the ordinary, to act a little zany and compare myself to no other.

It is that ability to be unique. It is the courageous spirit that says Thank You when some call me weird for acting so goofy. But hey, at least life is interesting.

It feels good to look at the way nothing can be very hard when you want it enough. I once read a book that spoke about how a few people managed to walk, on foot, from Siberia down to the coast of India, a trek of some 2,000 miles. It happened after WWII when the Soviets moved into Poland with rash accusations of spies and war criminals. They took Polish soldiers to prison camps in Siberia. One of these men was a simple colonel who just wanted to be free, to be able to see his wife again. He set his mind to it, and then didn't let anything get in his way. When he arrived, he was starved, dehydrated and half insane, but he made it, and later wrote a book about it.

Another story that inspires me is the story of South Africa. The people of South Africa were dominated from 1652-1992 by a small minority of white settlers. Their story is so amazing. The native people were sometimes mowed down by machine guns, and it seems the government always had a plan to acculturate them into their society as a cheap workforce, especially after the discovery of gold and diamonds. They were dominated by the fierce curtain of apartheid. In a time of Martin Luther King, Jr. when we were worried about civil rights, the white South African government was still killing black South Africans for protesting their treatment in the streets. (and these were non-violent protests) But to see the videos of them singing about overcoming their treatment and how they would rise above it all, just signifies how much hope can do for people. Nelson Mandela, a pioneer for equal rights in South Africa, spent most of his life behind bars, writing for the liberation of his people. And one day the majority suffering succeeded, the world could bear witness no longer to such atrocities. The people said they would be shot over and over again, but they would work no more. Fear had no effect. They wanted freedom, and at that point, they had won their freedom.

Once the victory was achieved in the mind, it was a victory felt in reality. It is like "Redemption Song," by Bob Marley.

So many people just give up or get lazy. I see it so much in my hometown. But, I am given hope by those people who achieve so much.

I've seen a 65-year-old man run 10 miles a day and climb almost to the same ability I could, with bad arthritis in his fingers. He told me how he climbed the north face of Everest, and war stories of how they used to climb back in the day. He is someone that kept life interesting.

I've been lapped by old ladies while running in Boulder Canyon. haha. I mean I'm not a super-in-shape guy, but hey old ladies don't usually lap me. And I guarantee they stay in shape just because they want it that way.

So I say, if I want to keep things interesting, I will. Whether I am here in Illinois, Colorado or wherever else I might end up, it will be an adventure because I can make it that way. I'm tired of just letting things go because they might be too risky or others don't approve. I once said I would never be one to lose out because someone thought it was too crazy, and now I cement that promise once again. I will forever take chances. I will forever live on that razor's edge.

Win, lose or draw.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

A call from the Mojave.

Picked up the phone this morning to hear someone driving through the Mojave Desert. Apparently my bro flew into Cali. to see a friend and is coming to Illinois to spend Christmas.

I don't know whether I'm excited yet or not. It seems like a long time since I last saw him, but we never really do anything together. Last time we just went and saw a movie or something. It was kind of fun watching him pick up on this girl at KFC though. haha. I remember when we went to Six Flags during one of his trips back. That was a blast. It seemed like every moment got crazier and crazier and one of my cousins still begs me every year to go back. I plan on it every single year, but then never have the money because of school. - No school this summer.

I wonder when my very crazy side will come back. I think sometimes it is gone, but I know it isn't. Every single chance I have to be very crazy I always hold back. I always say, "This time, you have to be responsible. You can't afford to take such chances." But in the end, I always want to take them. In the end, I always wonder when my degree will be done and I can afford to take some more chances with my life. Who knows what I will really do after school is over. Right now, the plan is Peace Corps. I think that could be a pretty crazy time, and also make my life not seem so ordinary anymore. And I'll be doing something I've been wanting to do since I was in high school.

But who knows these things. I do need to take some chances soon though. I'm getting soft with my crazier side. Maybe this summer I'll totally do something crazy. I must remember I'm not going to have any money my senior year. And that is still number one on my list. - finishing school.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

boring days

I'm stuck in Taylorville.

I really don't know anyone here anymore so it as if I'm stuck in solitude. I have no idea why I ever come back here. I guess I was forced this time, but I'd rather be working the worst job than return here. I think sometimes if I am not careful with my life, I might get stuck here.

It is very depressing. I wonder where all my friends are ...

I miss the mountains even more when I am sedentary.

Monday, December 19, 2005

The start of a plan.

Well... I did very well this semester. No complaints.

But next semester, I have to try harder. I have so much to finish before I graduate next May. I still need to work on my French, build up my readings in economics, better understand what it is I'm going to do with my life, take the LSAT, volunteer at least 10 hours a month and develop the climbing club so it survives in the apathy that is sometimes SIU.

I have my place for next semester. It looks pretty good, and I'm pretty stoked about all the potential good times. My new roommate seems to a be a real upfront, honest guy who has some stuff figured out. So I don't think I"ll have any problems with him. His hopes are to climb every chance he gets. So I guess waking up and climbing next semester is going to be a good plan. I'll have 18 credits, and I hope to volunteer a whole lot more so I don't know how much climbing, but at least a day a week (at the very least.)

As for now, I'm stuck in the middle of this very flat state. I'm waiting for something fun to unwind. I have my doubts though. haha. I wake up in the morning about 5 a.m. and do a pretty intensive workout, go home take a shower and then off to the library to work on me smarts skills. And after I'm done with everything, another workout to cap off the night. I'm afraid being back in this desolate place will make me lazy, unwilling to work for what I want. So I have made it my time to study for the LSAT and read five or six books I've been meaning to read. I am hoping it will help me pass the time.

Someone told me before about an ancient greek saying, "As long as I breathe, I hope." I guess it could be true for me as well. Sometimes I am put into bleak situations, but if I think of all the times I've escaped, the chances I've taken soon after and all the great times I've had as a result. Then hope delivers me. It thwarts that ominous dark cloud of doubt and gives me wings so the fire inside swells and roars. One day it will get better, and my life will be more fullfilling. However for now, I must have hope. It is all I have sometimes.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

semester week

Semesters are upon me!

I have one B, and the rest A's. One tinkers on the edge though and only comes down to finals.

Stressed and partially sick, but the semester is done. Next semester I'll have my own place again. Thankfully, I might have a new computer as well.

We shall see.

"As long as I breathe, I hope."

Monday, December 05, 2005

unsettled unconscious

I was standing on a street corner feeling tense. Perspiration dripping down my face, my feet edged on the curb beside the road as my heart beat out of control.

Hearing a sound like a blast, I set off. My legs burned. I had been running so long, but I was still so far away from knowing. So, I ran on. Like a thirsty soul coming from the Sahara to find a crystal blue oasis, my head carried me further than my body could go. And I flung myself into the the sand of despair, knowing how close it was that I had to go. For I saw that sweet water and knew very well I could never touch it.

These dreams follow me into sweet nights. They follow me and burden my existence. I wish they would stop. Even more, I wish they weren't telling me something in my unconscious is troubled. What was I running after in the dream? - Answers to questions.

The night now is fast, swift to the point of bringing about utter darkness. The days are cold, and hope tastes stale. Being where I am, originality seems distant, and I am no old, veteran traveler. I am no closer to my dreams.

Frightening how much everything stays the same. The same streets. The same bars. The same people. The same conversations.

The same. No change. Idle feelings, emotions.

Cold. - The very word sends shivers down my spine. When I am cold, I am mechanical. No Id prevails, no superego dominates. It is all Ego. Mediocrity reigns.

At this pace, I shall never be happy. Maybe that is why my dreams worry me the most. I don't even know what I want. I just know I don't want to be here, stuck.

I need to dive into something and just forget. Only a short time to go, I can hold out.


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Ambitiously enduring.