Faith

We must remember those habits that bring us closer to our own true selves. Utah has forced me to give up many things that are escapist in nature at a time when I may have depended on them. I have also begun to see the value in things I may have not before. My mind grows clear day by day. I see all the possibilities that may exist in my life, and it suddenly starts to look pretty good.

But on a night like this I wonder ... Will I ever love enough to run into the Pacific in December? Will I ever trust another to hold my heart? Will I ever sit drunkenly on a warm summer night and stare into the silhouette of trees, gaping at its artistic magnificence? I want my youthful heart, not fearful, not jaded, not burned ... nothing holding it back and nothing forcing it to be something it is not.

Maybe this is the reason I will not back down this time. I will prove to all that this is no existence if we must force our true natures to conform to the whim of others. I will live my passionate lifestyle. I will regain myself. I will conquer this period of my life through perseverance and dedication. I will also believe in love again some day.

Entitlement (have I any?)

I awake in the morning with hope and as it slowly drags on I begin to think that this will be yet another day wasted. My bank account clean, I survive on the kindness of strangers. I exist in this sad existence over a background check. Why? Have I committed serious crimes? -No. Have I committed crimes that brink on being serious enough to warrant a background check taking five weeks? -No.

Have I committed any crimes at all? 

NO!

Yet here I sit, on the brink of destitution, after I unwittingly believed in something and traveled halfway across the United States yet again. Our government is inefficient. Our government is a waste. And yet I did not choose the private sector this go around. I turned down Korea. I turned down another management position. For what?! A dream of working to conserve our natural resources or make some lasting impact that will be the betterment of humankind?! Damn, I am a fool. A gam of bureaucrats swim in these seas. And I, subjecting myself yet again, have become a victim of apathetic hands.

How much longer before my hands grow apathetic, a symptom of despair.

Gain a sense of composure, man!

Heavy eyelids stare at worn feet guided by an erratic heart. Do all things turn out such? Can I not have a moment of respite? Is it mere insanity that keeps me going with any sense of hope?

I ask myself why I never give up. Even when there is little hope left, why do I strive to move forward? But I know the answer.  The act of retreat is cowardly, the acceptance of mediocrity, fatal. On some runs, my lungs close up on me. I wheeze only moments into it. My face reddens. My heart flutters to keep up. My mind is suddenly torn. Which is better? To stop and allow my body to recover or to finish the set goal even if more than mile more at the same pace? I nearly always finish. The next run is always easier.

I would rather die than give up on my goals of having a worthwhile life. I will not settle for any woman just to be comfortable. I would like to be on fire in love and care about her in a way unparalleled. I will not raise my children to look at their father as one who gave up or did not try hard enough. I will not serve as an example for some who take my failure as a justification of their own slow descent into safe oblivion. I would sooner meet my final fate than succumb to the abysmal ranks of not having any lows at the expense of not having any highs.  

Hope for the best; prepare for the worst

"Don't let them see you cry."  Help I'm Alive - Manchester Orchestra.

I'm going for a late night walk tonight. My roommate lost her ferret tonight. And now her anger bubbles over to me. I am being kicked out of my apartment. I find it frustrating how someone who so blatantly cheats on her boyfriend can come down on me just because I am waiting for the government to clear my background check before I can start as ranger. Craziness persists as I had agreed to pay for the whole summer no matter where I ended up living as a "thank you." Fiscally, getting kicked out makes more sense to me, but I know it is also the end of a friendship and a way of thinking about most people.

I am no longer the Brian of old who willingly tries to see the best in people. I understand everyone has their own demons. Usually, the way they face those demons works its way into their social existence. I also understand that many people can think themselves higher than others, or that some must do this to keep a steady current of self appreciation in their lives. This is a classic argument I first read by Virginia Woolf. One uplifting piece is that I have a place to stay for roughly a week. I am praying that since I am already a week behind on my background check that this will be enough.

So many thoughts scurry through my head on this night. How close I am to homelessness! Yet I am college educated. I have excellent work experience, excellent references, excellent attitude to work and an overall good attitude given all that has happened to me thus far. Yet here I am. It makes me think that this could happen to anyone. And I wonder how I will do if it all falls apart.

 Will I react by losing my psychological composure? Will it make me weaker in the areas of social interactions? Can I face people as a homeless figure? Or will it be yet another experience that makes me stronger?

I have broken once and swore I would never again. People say I need to depend on people when I am down. Nevertheless if history is any indicator on how the future will go, I need to be self reliant and not depend on anyone.

I am a strong leader. I am weak at the hands of others.