Friday, September 30, 2005

The struggle begins

Words spoken in anger are lost. They do not understand me. We are not close. We are not the same. I will not perpetuate that circle. I am silent.

I will pursue what I need. They will not stop me.

I will find a way - with or without them.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Give me a chance.

The sun came out that day. Clouds could not break its course. The mysterious night offered no discouragement. It peaked out over the valley, and not one thing offered any resistance ... on that day.

But then there were days the darkness did not subsist. It was not mysterious or bold or enlightening. No sun shone out. Not one cloud mattered in this pitch black void. At first, creativity might have soared. The mysterious darkness for a time might have felt nice. But a glance later and one might have noticed a loss. Whether a loss of character, soul or simple choice in the matter of the two, the loss was transparent for all to see. The soul bitterly held on. The heart pulled from the core. All tearing away at something internal, nonrenewable. Not conquered yet, not buried too far under, it held on while crumbling into its nonexistence.

Something pure once stood out basking in the sun. It basked and hoped and prayed for a good encounter with life. It told the world to hold on (it would help all it could.) Swept away in a flurry of chance encounters and bad choices were the days of young charismatic energy.

But time slowed, darkness came and slowly everything pure crumbled away. A dust settled out on the ground. All pureness dwindled with the passing of the breeze. The darkness encroached into the core till a time when nothing more existed.

I went and prayed today. Weak as I was, I feel even weaker now. No one can help me, and I feel I have no paths to turn down. Someone said today it was good I had to learn everything this way. "Your children will never have to suffer." - No I feel they won't. That is, if I feel I might someday be strong enough to raise children of my own. So for now, I go on weak as I was and weaker growing everyday. My grades will be A's. I swear by it. My life might crumble away, but I will stay true to what I have said to be my main purpose this year. Two choices could save me: military or drop-out. Neither seem viable. So why is the easiest solution blocked? Am I fated for so much pain in order to succeed? I will not ever believe success to be unattainable.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

The Rain

With great strides, unlimited impressions glide through my soul. The days often glare at me. The nights often tear into a quickening heart. A heart beating, pounding, pulsating to be somewhere adventurous, fun - living again with some added sense of purpose.

My mind sits fastidiously on the brink of a never ending journey that is college. I sit on the brink of this neverending dream. Days do not float by when my mind sits translucent to everyone, showing the pain my face delivers. Yet, when I relax, calm myself and think, my simple mind creates a passion for the little things, and I move on.

However, I cannot and will not forget. I will never forget the memories of what is true and fresh and glorified in my mind. I cannot forget the purity I have seen in people long past. I will not forget the friends that come and go into my life. My life, a journey of unforgiving romances and helpful friendships, will never be sour or barren.

My goals pound on the windows of my mind like rain. They soothe me to know they are still there. And when I immerse myself in them, they pour out onto my skin and give my soul a freshness, and I move on. My pulse pounds when I feel like this. My lungs breathe in the cool moist air.

I exhale the mist held in and relax.

I can wait a little longer. It will make me want it more.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005


I have had many excuses to be so negative lately, but no reason.

Like a boulder rumbling down the side of a mountain, my life often gets a little out of control. But I really do ask for it. I tend to put anything and everything that is important to me on my plate. If no one else seems to want to do it, good! I will just do it myself.

So then I get upset when other simpler things go wrong in my life and I have no time to solve them. My time is a commodity, but I must not lose faith in what I am trying to accomplish. I am without a car, computer or cell phone right now, but that does not stop who I am. I am also at a school that only challenges me when I push myself well beyond my classes, but that will only add to who I am.

If we always treat burdens as hindrances in our lives instead of the building blocks of human strength, we will forever be in the depths of our despair. Greatness, I believe, comes from the inner ability of human nature to rise above the negative emotions of our existance. Show me a great man that cries constantly, and I will tell you he is no great man. Show me a man that smiles and laughs even in the midst of so much trouble in this world, a man that brings light into a world of darkness, and I will tell you that he is a great man.

I must remember these words. With all the specific troubles I have overcome in my life, it has only led me to appreciate the world around me so much more. I have, in essence, become better for the wrongs and the unfortunate circumstances forced on me. I would not trade these for all the world, and even when I wish that one day things might get better, I cannot help but smile knowing that with every breath a new day is just around the corner.

I am stressed and tired, but very hopeful about the strength within my heart. As a friend of mine said to me "light beats the darkness everytime."

Monday, September 19, 2005

Intern. Talk Like a Pirate Day

How could I have forgotten!

Avast ya salamanders! Ya land lubbas! Da Men dat be swabbin the deck tonight! and da ladies dat be as lovely as the sea!


Today is International Talk Like A Pirate Day.... YARRR!!!

My pilgrimage

Life changes constantly.

Man improves himself as he follows his path; if he stands still, waiting to improve before he makes a decision, he'll never move. - Paulo Coelho

So what is college to me then? Is it truly the path or is it me "standing still" waiting to improve before I make that decision.

I must do something. I must force myself to work harder or straighter than I have been working. I wait and wait to become better, but never know how good I really am. I am so afraid of failure that it keeps me stationary. Fear and waiting have become my undoing.

I think, "Later I will solve my problems. Later I will submit my short story for publication. Later I will submit a piece to a magazine. Later, when I have more behind me, will I start my application process to the Peace Corps."

I have, in fact, waited so long and wanted it so badly that failure does not scare me so much anymore. I think sometimes I'd rather fail trying than sit here a minute longer. I know I need this damn degree to show to everyone, but a million times over I wish I was in a more positive learning atmosphere than this school. The times when I am truly stimulated seem to be when I am away.

No more sitting around. No climbing shoes until things are done. I want my short story to go so I have to make it happen. I want to start logging some of the volunteer hours I have been doing. I need to get the flyers for the Bioneers done today. Need to start a project to work on my French. Climbing club agenda needs to be organized. I need to stop stressing and just get the things done that I need to get done. They are not hard. They are not impossible.

In words only one friend might get right now. I need to grab the rope, hold on and take the plunge. (Yelling at the top of my lungs all the while.)

Thursday, September 15, 2005

A good day to rain

Just now, I was singing in the rain.

I wonder if I am just the same as I ever was, not lost but just displaced. Amy told me that I am trying to accomplish too much, and I should find out what is REALLY important and just pursue it and be happy.

I have goals, and I have dreams. But goals never make me happy until they are accomplished. Then I move on and discover my next one.

But dreams are another story. I dream so often about so much. Stuff other people take for granted. I don't dream about being an attorney fighting for the little people, changing the world because then it would never happen. That is a goal. Goals, if we work hard enough, are always possible.

Dreams are stuff only the luckiest people get.

(I think as a kid I watched too many Disney movies.)

I believe in an existance where the people surrounding me have beautiful souls. The love of my life walks in and I just find the right words to say to sweep her off her feet. I am so bold and daring that she could never love another, and it would be true. The last part is crucial. How I have heard the words "I could never love another." and those words were never true on her part. I think back to that point, but I am not bitter. For it is my unfateful decision that made it so.

I think at other times I am just foolish. My goals tell me I cannot have my dreams yet. My goals are very important and are practical.

Dreams or goals?

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

No lyricist, but here is my song.

I talked to some fellow journalists in Pakistan today as part of a video conference. I sat there thinking of how human everyone really is and how skewed some people's views are. This song followed me on the way out. I am no lyricist, but I've been sitting here playing with the words.

Believe in me.
Hope for me.
Pray with me
Cause I just want
to help your cause
and find a way
to see past this whole mess of things

fight for me, as I fight for you
and I will believe in you
as you believe in me.
and we will stand
fighters for
peace and freedom
love and hope
and all that's true

Pray for me
I know we differ
but we are still
fighters for peace
and freedom

It is tough for me
it is tougher for you
no one seems to care

so care for me
I do care for you
and we will stand

fighters for peace and freedom
Hope and love will see us through.

I have to go talk to some people from the Risk Management office because some lady seems to think people have died climbing here. It is a small-town mentality that creates these kinds of rumors. I have never heard of anyone ever dying while rock climbing here. Sure, I have heard of some crazy, drunken, wreckless souls who have fallen off cliffs, but never with proper safety gear. I hope to make my case. I really hope to inspire some people to really care about this group also. It could be so great for Southern Illinois. It could help so many people find what I find in climbing - a lifestyle, a mentality, a sense of achievement and accomplishment and a purpose to stay healthy.

I shall try to do much before my time is up here. I know the pressure will be great, but only through beating back my fears will I ever accomplish anything worth remembering.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

A club to help pass the time.

Tension and stress build, but the gratification will be priceless.

I have sat around waiting for someone to feel inspired enough to start this climbing club, but in the end, I just started it myself. I have been working nonstop to meet the ever-approaching Sept. 15 deadline. Now, with one more signature, all will be complete.

Where are you Matt?

I have much hope for this club. I feel it will be a lot of fun, and it will help many people in Carbondale in finding things to do - other than just hitting up the bars. Maybe it could help influence Princeton Review to not list us as the fourth fattest school in the nation. Climbers - at least the good ones - never seem to be fat.

I start projects now. I finish projects. I always have had this fear of starting things that I cannot finish. I must pursue until my goal is accomplished. The bad thing about this whole mindset is my attitude in relationships, of course. I never know when to back off and always doubt myself afterward. (as was the case with Charlotte - a brutal episode which cost me more than my fair share of face.) I think I left the Daily Egyptian in good time though. I am getting stuff done and my grades seem to be at a constant A average.

Phew. I miss sleep.

I am also wondering about whether to leave for U of I this weekend. I have to call two of my friends Tyler and Kate to see what is going on. I really would like to get out of this town for even a weekend - to know it is a possibility. But in reality -

I would like to feel the ocean around my ankles and hear the waves crashing on the shore. I would like to feel the wind ripping around me as I sit on some lonesome peak thousands of feet from the ground. I'd like to meet someone I've never met and I'd like to see something I've never seen. I wish to be more than who I am right now and aspire to be more than I ever thought I could be. I just need a chance.

Three more semesters ... I just hope my heart can remember what is true a bit longer.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

How oblivious I have been.

How oblivious I have been.

I walked into Carbondale. I decided then it would be good. I decided no matter what my world would change and I must embrace everything beautiful about my new place. I looked for beauty everywhere and searched for it within every single person.

How oblivious I have been.

I found myself a long time ago. Since then I have been lost. I have thrown myself into too much. I have given my friendship to too many people. Here, in Carbondale, I do have true friends, yet they are few and far and with their own agendas. So, I thought, I am a good guy. I shall find a nice girl in Carbondale. Maybe Fate would deliver me.

How oblivious I have been.

So why do I search eyes now? Why do I find it interesting to search for the very best in a girl and hope maybe there is more? Why would I think so highly of even the girls who really don't care? Why would I have not noticed until now how pointless it all has been?

How oblivious I have been.

So there was a switch in myself. I found myself at a table drinking sweet wine and conversing with two lovely girls and a new friend. We laughed and told each other such things only brought about by fresh air, beautiful countryside and red wine. What an amazing time! But I left that day knowing and simply knowing it was all in vain. Everyday is just a day here for me. My future must wait in the distance.

How oblivious I have been.

I must be single for myself right now. I must look away and focus for now. I must await what I know is true and respect it as I do all the other qualities in my life. I have faith and a true belief. If I keep going at this pace of hope in Carbondale, I will surely be bled dry. So for now I am an island. For now, I am and will be...

happily alone.



Thursday, September 08, 2005

The way things go.

So I went on a drive tonight, a rather short one. I could feel the wind flowing around my face and dancing upon my skin. I remembered how each road trip felt, singing at the top of my lungs until I had no voice. I thought of Colorado and the long hauls made in that direction. I thought of the drive to and from Pennsylvania and Florida. I thought of the way Charlotte would laugh and throw her head out the window to feel the wind in her hair. Nostalgia crept up on me as I thought of being pulled over by a police officer and Melissa massaging my shoulders while telling me all would be OK. Many, many memories. Yes, I guess this is a whole new phase in my life that I am entering. My independence has been cut partially short, though not entirely. I feel caged and trapped here in Carbondale. However, I might be able to afford a plane ticket out soon with a little effort on my own part. I have to use the all of my abilities in finding a means of escape. I believe Fate might give me a way.

Again, I dive into responsibilities in order to forget the world around me. I figure if I do enough good in this world, my karma might just start to change. My cell worked enough to call two people lastnight - Erinn being one of them, but then immediately stopped working again. I also found my short story I have been working on. Phew!

I guess things have leveled out. Someone offered me a free bike yesterday, and I was promoted head of public relations for the Bioneers Satellite Conference here in Carbondale. I take that as a huge responsibilty. It might also look good on an resume.

The climbing club has been slacking since my computer crashed, but I swear it will be written up tomorrow. I'd do it tonight if not for a big test I have in pyschology. I still have to find time to go by the Boys and Girls Club. Rotaract Club will be starting some of their service projects as well.

With all of this going on, I wish someone might bring a little color into my life.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Fall at SIU so far

When things can't get any worse, wait and watch the downward spiral continue until nothing is left. I never thought it could get to this point, but it has, and now I am left for worries.

In the past three days, I have lost my computer, cell phone and car. No music, my stories gone, no one can call me, I can call no one and I am very much - more than ever - trapped. I am again the poorest I have ever been. I have no one and no one has me. I am not strong enough to care about anyone at the this point. Maybe that is why I do not feel so much pain. I know I am not strong enough to bear it all, or maybe I feel too worried that if I try, I shall fail - and horribly fail at that.

One cannot question Fate however. I was meant to suffer this semester for some reason or another. I really wish at this point I knew why. I do know my grades will not suffer in the process and my friends shall bear no bad affections from me. I shall just be alone for the time being. I will be alone until I figure out how I might come about the neccessities of college life today. I do not need a cell phone or a car, but my computer has been vitally important.

I constantly think of how good it felt to be away from Illinois. A writer once said if you follow your own personal legend the world will open up before you. It will bend to make it possible to go where you must. I really do believe that. I believe maybe I have strayed from my path and maybe this is some weird omen sent to capture me and deliver me back.

Right now, I am full of questions no one can answer. I am at a point where no one will help and I must be strong. My whole life has been about these circumstances, and still I believed maybe I didn't need to be alone. Maybe I believed sometimes I could have fallen and someone might have picked me up off the ground. But I very well know the truth, and sadly enough Angie was right. I hate to say what I only thought was so horrible of a thought before. But she was.

We only have ourselves to make us who we are, and no one along the way will help us. If we fail, we fail by our own designs and our own admissions into this world. If we fail, it is not society's fault, or our parent's or anyone else's- just ours. So I must remember in the words someone once said if I have need of a helping hand - I have two right in front of me.

Friday, September 02, 2005

How could I make things more dangerous?

To live dangerously - That is what I really yearn for.

I want to be in danger, live progressively, create memories, find my future, never hold back and be bold. Maybe that is why it tears me apart to be here, knowing I can't leave. What if I just get into a slump where I don't go anywhere? Does trapped now mean trapped later?

My birthday went rather well, some good conversations. I would have rather been climbing all day or taken some big trip to Colorado. Haha. (like that could have been possible.)

I called Lynsi on my birthday and asked her to come and hang out. I believe she responded to one of my friends that I did not care anything about her, but that is clearly not true. I just thought this way would just work out and no one would be really hurt. I really hope she wasn't.

I haven't spoken to Erinn for nearly a month now it seems. When I told her I wasn't coming out, she stopped speaking. Clearly, I was right about if I did not take the trip. It seems to me that I must get away, secure some finances somehow. I'm letting my stress drag into other areas. It is not helping me.

Today, I woke up, felt uncentered and walked with Sobee (Indian girl down the hall that I'm friends with) to the immunization office. I guess she felt uncomfortable walking alone. It is all good. Walking back, I thought "hey that girl is cute. I wonder if I could talk to her." So I got another number and said I'd call her sometime. We also had breakfast together. However, it wasn't enough. It never is.

Maybe I'm just too much of a poet. Who knows? But I am way too young to be giving up on things now. ;-).


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Ambitiously enduring.