Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Give me a chance.

The sun came out that day. Clouds could not break its course. The mysterious night offered no discouragement. It peaked out over the valley, and not one thing offered any resistance ... on that day.

But then there were days the darkness did not subsist. It was not mysterious or bold or enlightening. No sun shone out. Not one cloud mattered in this pitch black void. At first, creativity might have soared. The mysterious darkness for a time might have felt nice. But a glance later and one might have noticed a loss. Whether a loss of character, soul or simple choice in the matter of the two, the loss was transparent for all to see. The soul bitterly held on. The heart pulled from the core. All tearing away at something internal, nonrenewable. Not conquered yet, not buried too far under, it held on while crumbling into its nonexistence.

Something pure once stood out basking in the sun. It basked and hoped and prayed for a good encounter with life. It told the world to hold on (it would help all it could.) Swept away in a flurry of chance encounters and bad choices were the days of young charismatic energy.

But time slowed, darkness came and slowly everything pure crumbled away. A dust settled out on the ground. All pureness dwindled with the passing of the breeze. The darkness encroached into the core till a time when nothing more existed.

I went and prayed today. Weak as I was, I feel even weaker now. No one can help me, and I feel I have no paths to turn down. Someone said today it was good I had to learn everything this way. "Your children will never have to suffer." - No I feel they won't. That is, if I feel I might someday be strong enough to raise children of my own. So for now, I go on weak as I was and weaker growing everyday. My grades will be A's. I swear by it. My life might crumble away, but I will stay true to what I have said to be my main purpose this year. Two choices could save me: military or drop-out. Neither seem viable. So why is the easiest solution blocked? Am I fated for so much pain in order to succeed? I will not ever believe success to be unattainable.

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Ambitiously enduring.