Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Stay close to your soul. Don't stray too far.

Life pulls at us to be great, to breathe and live in the context of a million-year plan to bring the single entity of our consciousness into being. How dare we allow ourselves to be pulled into the deluge of the masses!

As I realize that I am a different type of man, yearning for the fresh perspective of new experiences in different places among different peoples, I bury myself in the context of the written word and feel alive again. My studies grow exponentially, and I feel myself being turned down the path of more and more education, more and more work and toil - all in the name of something I cannot yet put my hands on. I feel it will not lead to any great income or adventures. Instead, I think it is a journey that has unfolded before my eyes. And as a boat upon the ever-changing river, I flow slowly to that great rolling sea.

I recently sat at the bottom of a cliff and thought how I wished not to be afraid this time, to pull hard, feel the crease and fold of the rock against my bare hands, and allow my soul to face the great uncertainty of a dangerous situation. I let this feeling slip from time to time, but feel it even more when it happens. I feel everything when I allow my soul to breathe and be itself. To face danger, to face the uncertainty of something without prior knowledge, knowing it could destroy me - this is the true path self discovery. In this, I find a source of power. I guess this is the true trick to life. To laugh in the face of a dangerous, unforgiving world. One should not give an inch to fear. For it is fear that holds the true shackles.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

My compass

How will I remember these days? Will I, should I, remind myself how dark my outlook had become? Should I tell of the times, sitting alone in my apartment, that I looked dismally into the future - seeing future travails and wondering if I had the strength, the composure to deal with a new onslaught?

Simply, I know I must. I must remind myself of the depths I have allowed myself to fall.  I must even now see the dark walls of that abyss. I must know that I could climb from it a thousand times. I must also remind myself of the pain, the agony of watching everything slip away.

Zion was my savior. Yet, it was a savior without a compass. It merely gave me the strength to look around and pick a direction. I still remained in the abyss. I simply saw a glimmer of hope in it all. And for me, a glimmer shall always be enough to inspire my heart to give its all again.

Today, I awoke as a man seeing hope again. I saw hope in my future, in my direction. I could actually see a direction for myself. I could see a path. For I have finally found my compass. It was a breath of more than hope. Hope is what makes us gather that last bit of strength for the journey ahead. No, it was not just hope this time. I found my compass, and it gave me strength. Strength that allows me to run stronger and faster, to take on more and be more confident in my movements. Hopefully, it has opened the door to my heart (and not just in a place as beautiful as Zion). Hopefully, it will give me the strength to keep my heart open always and be who I am even when this world tries to bare its jagged teeth and iron jaws. 

I point my compass now towards my master's, my juris doctorate, a family, an existence of helping others and building even one thing that could help at least one other fellow person. 

Wednesday, February 02, 2011


Perseverance is key. For when no one stands beside you, you shall stand beside yourself.

Ode to the hopeful awakening.

I traveled as a man
I burned through the wounds of life
as flesh rotted under old cuts and burns
tears relinquished to my clenched jaw
“Hold. Hold,” said my fellow man
Thud, thump … my heart … thud, thump

Encased, peering outward but stuck,
My face pressed against smudged glass,
I watched those free spirits dance in
Wild, uncontrolled, jovial exuberance,
“Waste not the world,” said they.
Thud … thump … my heart … thud, thump

Vapid entertainers sought my favor
dimmed the raging fires inside
pouring barrels of icy disenchantment
until only a cerulean luminescence remained
“Why bother,” said my friends.
Thud … thump … my heart … thud … thump

Fear tracked my path
It hovered over the ledge of my climb
bellowing shrill cries that bled my core,
I gasped and an erratic shaking started,
“You are mine,” said fear.
Thud, Thud, … my heart … Thud, thump.

Drifting downward as a not a man,
I tensed into a static discipline,
Flowing where Fear allowed,
Ripped and shredded in the torrent,
“Flow. Just flow,” said the passersby.
Thump, thud … my heart … thump, thud.

A final breath filled me,
My body drifted along and downward,
Tumbling against the granite boulders,
Eyes open but not awake,
“Fight,” a voice said. “Fight.”
Thud, thump … my heart … thud, thump.

Inward, my mind wandered over that icy crevasse
I stabbed blindly with my ice axe,
Searching  for inward greatness, shards forgotten
Darkness and light intermixed
“Youth is error,” said old men.
Thud, thump … my heart … thud, thump.

Writhing, wretched strokes upon strokes,
Pushing against and along and upward,
to reach out and feel the surface again, breathe the air,
Some of me lost, but dare I go down again?
“Build new and hold,” said I.
Thud, Thump … my heart … Thud, Thump


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Ambitiously enduring.