Thursday, June 29, 2006

Before the wild

A girl once asked me if I still felt alone even though I had her. And I honestly said, no. I loved her with all of my heart. It is comforting to know I felt as if I was connected to someone even if it didn't last. 'Twas a nice feeling.

Sometimes, we just need to breathe and remember that each day has the same potential as the past. Attitude is the key. Passion is the key. Movement and intelligent thought is the key. I know I am guilty of thinking too highly of my past because some great, wonderful, stupendous events took place. However, I must remind myself of the future. I must keep pressing forward so I can look back at my life as a whole and think of what marvelous things I've accomplished.

I write this before heading into the wilderness with a group of 11 troubled adolescents. We will stay out for 30 days and in that period of time will accomplish, hopefully, some life-changing experiences. The mental exertion I face is a mystery as I know it will be to them. Yet I want to test my boundaries in this. I want to discover if my limits and boundaries have grown. I want to see how much I can handle. I hope this doesn't even test my limits.

Because then ...

My future is without boundaries.

Friday, June 16, 2006


Driving into the canyon, the stratified rock towers above my head as the sound of turbulent water ricochets from below.

So many reasons to stay, so many reasons to at least give it all a chance.

I decided to go back to an old familiar place to see whether or not it could be a possibility. I need to accomplish things in my life, but those accomplishments out here would be ... beyond words.

I spoke to a few people. One woman said she had a horrible experience at the school, but others seemed more positive. I spoke to an advisor, and she seemed very positive about my applying to the school. I took it is an overall good sign. I may even know a professor who knows some faculty here.

I really want to accomplish something in life. I really want to feel driven. I think Illinois has played a huge role in my personal growth. I now think that more than ever. I have been shown how to focus my emotions, focus my talents and not succumb to temptations which may divert my path.

But here, I have my emotions back. I feel a sense of liveliness and adventure. My heart is in the right place and is comforted by some of the people. I feel at home.

I will stay, someday. I now know what must be done in the meantime, and Colorado has fortified my intensity. I will accomplish great things even if it takes a better part of my life.

I will fuel the fire inside.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006


I laid down my head in the soft green grass and shifted my eyes from puffy white clouds to mighty green mountains. I knew I was home.

I told Erinn that I never really remember what the mountains mean to me until I am back. I have no idea how much I repress until I am here. I just know when I am here, I finally feel a sense of calm coming into my life. I can breathe.

I also get a sense of humor from my family out here. They are always so lighthearted and joyous, especially in the face of something sad. I have found great strength in such optimism.

That was the only first day. I had two hours worth of sleep at a rest stop two miles from the Colorado border. I had nearly hit a couple deer when I decided dying before getting to Colorado just wasn't in the big picture. So I pulled into a rest stop and snoozed until I couldn't stand the excitement anymore.

Today is a new day. It will give me time to think. I have to think of how I will fully accept Southern Illinois for another year. I am looking for an omen, a refreshing way of thought or a little bit of inspiration.

I believe I will find all.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Lost realist

Follow your path and doorways will open. Good fortune shall follow because your personal legend shall be existing. I first heard those words from Paulo Coelho.

These words make me smile. They help me to stay an optimist.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

The sun still shines. The wind still blows.

You don't win. I won't let life make me bitter.

I'll still find a reason to smile today. I'll still find a better way. I'll still find a little adventure.

I'll still help those friends who have stayed true.

I have faith in life. I'm sorry for whatever happened. I'm sorry you couldn't even say.


As I came home today ...

Shock ...

Sadness ...


Consumed me.

So here I sit confused, feeling hurt and abandoned by one of my best friends. My concept of friendship and reality may be skewed.

Every signal is that he got mad and left. He didn't give me an explanation. Soon I will be gone. I am deathly afraid I shall leave with not one friend left.

Everyone goes his/her own direction. All friends are scattered by the wind. I just never thought I would lose this one. I hope this is a nightmare of my imagination because if it is real ...

Monday, June 05, 2006

While watching Romeo & Juliet

"Be patient for the world is broad and wide."

Today was a boring day. I have CPR and first aid training this week. I'm also doing a high ropes course for Spectrum Wednesday or Thursday.

What I wouldn't give just for a little sense of adventure.

Sunday, June 04, 2006


My mind is an arsenal. A book is like ammo; an education, a gun.

Some selfish people hold the world ransom for their own interests. So it's up to some to make it a better place using the weapons they have.

I think that is the true way to change things.

It's the reason I read, the reason I study, the reason I'm ready to dedicate a better part of my life to acquiring an arsenal.

The sound of wheat blowing in the summer wind

Could you commiserate with those sad souls lost in the continent Africa?

Could you just for a second forget your splendid life to think of those souls lost in a continent where very few care. A place where people starve while others gorge themselves at the expense of the masses?

Who is more important?!

I say to you, society, START CARING! START GIVING A FUCK!

Tonight I went out with a friend. Tonight I went out and thought of only the people exploited at the hands of the comfortable. I thought of the suffering in my own life. The constant setbacks mending the synapses of my mind.

Are they people?! Of course they are! If you read this, and you think you cannot help then you are seriously mistaken.

If everyone did just a little !!! if everyone cared !!!! just a little!!! then maybe something would happen!

I care. Please care! Please help me find someone who cares!

Saturday, June 03, 2006

The Blue Channel


It takes a great soul to smile at the touch of the simple pleasures of life.

When I run, my breathing becomes rhythmic, steady, deliberate. My legs move without any thought, and my mind floats away at a thousand miles an hour.

I wish ... just for one second ...

I could run a little while without distraction. - I could live a little without thinking of the mountains.


About Me

My photo
Ambitiously enduring.