Thursday, October 06, 2005

A wait through next week.

A putrid taste stagnates in my heart. I have been left with so much on my plate right now with finances or lack there of, I nearly feel burnt out.

I'm still not over what my brother said to me. How could I be? I don't even know how to react to it, and maybe I just don't want to until I really start to breathe. I know he is right about some of the family, but I won't believe it for all. I am grateful for everything anyone has ever done for me, but the people I was talking about really haven't done anything. He might cite something if I have forgotten, but I just can't recall anything. Talk is cheap to me. It NEVER works for me.

I met a crazy cool girl, but my hopes on anything happening are diminishing with my dying ambition. We have a lot in common, but I don't think she even sees me for the fact I'm always so worried about everything else in my life. I also have to deal with an X telling me how horrible I am for this blog. I guess I see why it was good for me to get out in the first place. I forgot how everything I used to do was horrible. Freedom to act goofy or telling the truth without offending? - Who in the hell is that for? (Yeah I have no fucking clue either.)

My friend is helping me, but I still want that loan. I wouldn't be taking away from anyone then. I would just be making a promise to not fail in life. I'd like to think I'm pretty good for that.

I really need this weekend. I really want next week to be over. I really want to go out, at least one day, and tackle as many lead climbs as possible. I want to feel insecure and foolish on a route and still keep going. I want to take falls and feel some sort of exertion. I have not been hard enough on myself lately in that aspect. I no longer feel really alive. I just keep waiting for something to happen to me in an everyday sense, but nothing does. I no longer write for the Daily Egyptian. I no longer have any relationship that makes me feel loved. I haven't taken long road trips and haven't seen a good band since Flogging Molly in Orlando.

I talk about not being myself, but I am. I feel shitty right now just for that reason. I lost my car and now I feel trapped. I might try to fool myself, but I feel like I've been abandoned somewhere. I feel like all the adventure is over. I had no intention for every adventurous aspect to go out of my life. Give me one great adventure! That's all I want right now. It could be a trip to the bars gone totally goofy. I really don't care!

I need to do something this weekend. I'm hoping for great weather and a good climbing partner. All the guys are going to Kentucky. I hope I can find a good climbing partner who stays. Bryant seems up for something, and it would be nice to do some good lead climbing with him for once. I haven't even taken a lead fall with him, and I trust him a great deal. Crazy!

I guess I'm just getting soft. - Something that must be remedied.

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Ambitiously enduring.