Monday, August 15, 2005

Milk Chocolate and Beer!

Nothing happens here in Taylorville, or at least I allow nothing to happen for me.

I went to a bar lastnight with some friends. I saw two things. I first saw a girl I had a crush on all through high school, now just a fleeting thought of how pretty she is and how she didn't interest me, and second, a couple in a fight too splintered with emotion for anyone to have a chance of breaking it up. The guy was insecure. He feared what was not there. Everyone could see it was not there, except the guy. It was awkward, and I just wanted to slap him in the face and tell him to wake up. Wake up like I had never done when it happened to me. I wish I could have had a lesson plan in my previous relationships or maybe a little booklet on what to watch out for. As novice I was wreckless, my mistakes should have never hurt anyone.

I had two dreams lastnight. Two dreams which compelled me to write. They were interwoven together but with nothing in common.


A big city. Skyscrapers rushed over my head. Everything turned with the wind. It was a feeling as if I was confused and looking around in every direction trying to find my way. The kind right before I fall down, dazed and unsteady. I had a friend with me. I could not now recall his face, but I knew I trusted him.

We walked through the middle of town to my apartment. I looked behind me and saw a narrow figure block out the sun. He was a knight wearing red with a huge steel cross painted on his chest. He was narrow, but in heighth had to reach 30 ft.

My friend and I both turned and ran. Beside us, splintering shafts of wooden spears burst against the ground. My friend turned. I stopped to look back. One wooden spear launched directly at him burst off his shield. He turned and ran again. I turned and ran also. But as I ran, I thought of the shield and how my friend had nothing to fear. So why was he running, turning his defenseless back to this monstrous, spear-throwing knight?

His glance caught mine and I knew too well. I was the reason. I had no shield and obviously he turned and ran with me, rather than fight.

I snapped. I just couldn't take it. I had no shield, but I ran straight back to the knight. I carried a sword and swung it heavily upon his legs. A spear came down on me. I felt the pain in my shoulder. It seered down my back. I started to climb the giant knight using my sword. I kept feeling the pain from the spears, but kept climbing. I don't know what kept me going, but I just kept going. I got to the top and with one lash of my sword I brought him back down to my height.

I now felt myself back on the ground. The knight was laying on the ground and I standing over him. He had cold gray eyes. Eyes with no emotion. Standing over him, I could see my reflection now old and weary where I had once been so young and brave. My body was brittle and I had used up everything trying to conquer this monster. As he layed there beaten, I just left. I knew that he wasn't a threat to me now so what's the use.

And as in dreams, time flowed very fast. I was now at my apartment. I opened the door to a friend coming to pick me up for something. He looked the same except for the cold gray eyes I knew once so well. I was now old and a brittle in actual years. He grabbed me and tried to squeeze the life out of me, but I fought back and he could not do it. I pushed him back into the hallway. His body crumbled into ashes. I awoke.

The second.

I was back in Greeley, Colorado. Travelling down a sidewalk to the Beatle Beanery (local coffeeshop with an upside down VW Bug in front,) I saw a girl I once knew. At least in the dream I knew her once. In reality, I had never seen this girl before. But it is a dream. It isn't supposed to make sense.

We walked together as the snow fell down in the daylight air. It made a little arrangement on the towering oak and hung heavily on the evergreens. I saw in everything a coldness, and as she talked I knew I had done something wrong. She started to cry and I broke down. I did not want her to cry and thought of anything I could do, but I did not even know the problem.

She ran back into a large house on that street right across from Central Campus, the street next to the brick entranceway and the clocktower with a broken bell. The street I had always walked down in Greeley in hopes that she would come out and talk to me.

Before I knew it, I was being chased by a mob of girls. It was crazy. I somehow found myself going into random shops, begging the managers of the store to keep them away from me. But everyone seemed to be in unison about how I deserved it. So I must have done something really wrong. A million things flashed through my head. 'Man, I have to deserve this,' I said to myself.

So somehow in the dream, I crept up and had the nerve to ask one of her friends what was going on. She told me how I had kissed her and never had any intention on loving her. She told me how I had kissed many other girls. She said the girl on that sidewalk on that day heard all the stories and knew I had kissed her in the same way, never for anything just for the moment.

But that wasn't true. When had I ever kissed anyone without the hope? I kissed everytime with the hope that this kiss would make everything right. It was a tool of hope, not a tool of deception. I kissed her on that sidewalk in hopes she might be everything to me, and she had walked away just because so many other girls had failed to make it that kiss, to be that hope.

I told the girl how I would do anything in the world for that girl. I just wanted to make sure I had found her. I told her how I had kissed with so much hope, but in the end I just waited for that girl. I waited every single second on that sidewalk. I held my breath for that girl, and every single girl I kissed who wasn't her I lost a little hope. At times I had lost all hope and I would go on thinking I would never find her. At other times, I had all the hope in the world until I kissed the girl and would realize what a tragedy I had committed because she would be hurt and I would be the one that hurt her. I had lost girls that I thought was her, but obviously they couldn't have been because their kiss wasn't true.

And then I had found her walking down that sidewalk, and she had walked away. She had thought of so many loves and just walked away. I thought as much would have happened. So, I begged her friend to go into the house and get her, because I really did care. I never stopped caring, but I just had to be certain.

So she came out of the house and I held her. It never felt more right and I knew this time I had found her.

- I know how this last dream intertwines with my very own life, but the ending is some ideal I really don't know about right now, but it stands as the basis for a lot of my hope. Everything else I know I can accomplish with the right effort and focus. This is a dream.

End of dreams

I blame everything on the four beers I had at the bar then the two glasses of milk chocolate at home. I should have known it would result in weird dreams. But hey, they were entertaining.

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Ambitiously enduring.