Monday, August 29, 2005

I shall never succumb.

Sometimes, late at night, I cry just for the simple piece of mind that comes with not failing.

I feel as if I carry this great burden. My grandfather turned down medschool at Vanderbilt. My father deserted in Vietnam. I've heard until that time my family was very prominent. A family full of doctors, lawyers and prominent farmers. I have even heard that I am a descendant of a general, but I have not checked it out.

So I have to wonder what is within me. Do I have what it takes? Or am I rather destined to fail like the two generations before me?

It is one day before my 22nd birthday. I am tense and nervous. I do not know what to expect. I wish I could treat it as any other day, but it is a day when I really will start to reflect on what I've achieved in the last year. I fear it is not enough. I know I will begin to push myself even more now.

Also, I fear feeling alone. It seems no matter who I am with, I always feel alone. Maybe it is all in my mind, but lately birthdays have been a very depressing time.

I guess all I can do is have hope. I finish all I can finish and do all that I can every day. I don't stop until I'm exhausted. I don't waste time. I don't dig my head in the sand and hope the problems just go away, but I can only do what I can.

I miss being adventurous. I can't wait until I'm done with my undergrad. I have a feeling it will be the hardest time in my life. I have no finances for school, so I'm continually stressed out. I am also caught in a part of the country where I feel trapped - never allowed to leave.

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Ambitiously enduring.