Wednesday, July 06, 2005


I'm here. Southern Illinois surrounds me.
It hit me just now. She is dead. I will never be able to get out there and say hi. I will never be able to hear her laugh or go off with her on some tiny errand. I will never talk with her sister about how Carrie will get a hold on life and we'll all someday laugh at everything. It will never be.
Tears never do anything justice. I don't want her to be gone, but it is so. Tomorrow I will confront everything and have to talk about it with everyone. I would rather have something to keep my mind off the subject.
I filled out applications all day today. Turned one in, but it didn't look promising.
I cleaned my entire apartment, washed all my dishes, organized all my stuff.
I awoke this morning in a bed too familiar and too foreign with a friendly smile (one that I never know what to think about.) I fixed a famous egg sandwich and went on my way for the day.

I'm not going to always look towards the West for happiness. For now, I am truly stuck and poor. All I can do is shrug this whole thing off. All I can do is crack a joke and be happy and know I have no control over the way the world treats me. It is not sad. It is reality.

Farewell to the West now
My mind is open to the East
To all the new faces, new minds
And things to see
But I am alone here
And my heart at times it weeps
I will see you through the colours
As the sun sinks in the sand - Xavier Rudd - Solace Amongst the Sin

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Ambitiously enduring.